Mountain Climber

This past weekend I went on a mini vacation in Greer, Arizona. Greer is about a four hour drive from Phoenix. While there, I stayed in a cabin and went skiing, hiking, and all in all, had a great time of fellowship and moments with the Lord. On the drive Monday back to Phoenix to the airport I was in complete awe over how beautiful the mountains were and How big God is. I kept thinking about how me and some of my family went and climbed to the top Gobbler's Peak and how the view from the top was completely worth the difficult climb. From there I started thinking about mountains and valleys and how our journey in life will take us through many of each.

I recently walked through a difficult valley. At the beginning of this year the Lord spoke to me and confirmed His word through a few people that I would be entering into a new season. That this year was going to be a year where God birthed new fruit and that I was stepping into a new purpose. That I would be walking out of my valley and onto a mountain. In my mind that meant that I would all of a sudden be placed on the mountain and receive the blessings of this new season. I was wrong. I began to face more difficult things day after day. This isn't to say they haven't been beautiful because they have been. Difficult circumstances, but beautiful revelations and moments with the Lord. But, I still didn't understand why my new year, my new season, wasn't really looking that new. It wasn't until that drive back that I felt the Lord reveal to me why.

When we climbed to the top of Gobbler's Peak it was not easy. There was no trail to the top. Snow and ice covered it. So while you are climbing up you have to be careful because it is slippery. Not all of the rocks that you step on are sturdy and some of them would roll down. Some of the trees that you tried to hold onto to climb up were charred and the branches were weak and would break off. My six year old niece was also climbing with us so there would be times where I would stop because she was having a difficult time and we had to make sure she was ok and that she didn't fall. When we finally reached the top though, the view was absolutely breathtaking. It was worth every difficult step it took to get there. I stood on the top and all I could think about was the glory of God.

We will go through valleys in our lives. They aren't fun. They are hard. And, we will reach a point where we have walked through that valley and we have reached a mountain. God won't just put us on the top of the mountain. We will have to climb it. It won't always be an easy climb either. It will be slippery. It will be difficult. There may even be times when we are climbing that we will have to stop for a moment to help someone else climb. Eventually though, if we don't give up, if we don't turn around, we will reach the top. We may be tired, but we will have made it. The view will be wonderful. It will have been worth it.

You can't stay there forever though. God is always bringing you into new seasons. There are always more things to grow in. There are more moments with the Lord to be had. There will come a time when you have to begin your climb down the mountain. That won't be easy either, you will have to watch your steps. Make sure you don't slip. And, when you reach the bottom, you may have another valley to walk through. But, it won't be the same valley as before. You will be stronger. You will have the revelations of what you learned in the last one as well as everything you learned on your climb up and down the mountain. And, you will have the promise of a new mountain. Of another breathtaking view even more beautiful than the last one.

This morning while reading the word I read Psalm 46. One of my absolute favorite psalms.  

[Psalm 46:5]

  "God is within her, she will not fall; God will help her at break of day."

God is with you through every valley and mountain. He is within you. He will help you. You are in the hands of the Creator of the universe. That's a good place to be.

A New Statistic

God just keeps leading me to know more about character in Him and where my focus in knowledge should be. A couple of weeks ago several people on my Facebook shared this article called "5 Things Men Need To Learn About Women." After reading what it said, I felt like God was calling me to look into these characteristics and see what He had to say about them. There are two that He specifically laid on my heart to share. 

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The first point in this article was that men need to understand it doesn't matter what they say, but it matters how the woman feels. To elaborate he explained that if you tell a woman she is beautiful, but she doesn't feel beautiful it won't matter, because what she feels is what she feels regardless of what she is told. As a woman, I can testify to the truth of this. How many times have I been getting ready for something with friends and I'll have an outfit on and for some reason I just don't feel pretty in it, but all of my friends keep telling me over and over that I look great. Most of the times that happens, I end up changing anyway regardless of their affirmation. He said something in that article about this point though that just didn't sit right with me. He said, that a woman's self-esteem is rooted where it should be, in herself. On both ends of the spectrum this is bad. Either your self-esteem is so rooted in yourself that you become prideful and conceited, or you just wallow in self-hate. Both are very flawed perceptions of who you really are. My self-esteem, my self-worth should be rooted in the only one who can measure it anyway, Christ. Christ has called me beautiful, and wonderfully made, but I should not allow pride to follow those affirmations. Christ has also called me human and sinful, but I should not chose to just live in pity and self-hate because of that. I can say with confidence that the times where I feel most beautiful and most loved are not when I have people tell me so, it was when I was at the foot of the cross bearing my heart to God and despite all of my junk He whispered that I was a beautiful, beloved daughter that He cared for. And, now that my affirmation is in God, I can accept others compliments and believe it, because what I feel isn't based on me, but on who God is. 

The second point in the article and the last  I want to talk about is emotions. It said that a man works on logic but a woman works on emotion. A woman's emotions will effect her actions and how she responds to things. I can testify that I am pretty emotional sometimes. But, I feel like this is an area where God is continuing to show me how to handle. I should never let my emotions influence my actions. Emotions can often give room for offense and offense is not of God. 

[Proverbs 29:11]

"A fool gives full vent to his spirit, but a wise man quietly holds it back."

I need to have control over my emotions. I don't want to be a fool, I want to be wise. I want to be led by the Spirit of God,  not by Adele's emotions. If my emotions had any say, how many times would I have walked in disobedience to what God was telling me to do? 

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More than anything, I want the men and women of God, myself included, to portray Christ in a Biblical way. Why do we always associate men as having no compassion and women as too emotional? Why can't we both just be what God has called us to be? And, why are we looking to step by step guides and lists of things to help us understand one another?  I think it's time we change our focus to just knowing God. God is a relational God. He doesn't want us to read about Him and never actually spend time with Him. If we did that we wouldn't really be getting to know Him, just about Him. The same applies for any type of relationship. Reading a list of things will not help us to know that person or better understand them, only time with them can do that. I don't want it to be a statistic that all men lack compassion, or are led by their own logic. I don't want it to be a statistic that all women let their emotions rule their life and that they view their feelings as truth. I want us all to walk in the characteristics of God. 

I dont want to accept what the world tells me I am. I am not a woman that lets her emotions influence her decisions. I am not a women whose self-esteem is rooted in my flesh. I am who God has told me I am, and I am pursuing what God has called me to be. 

What if being Godly became the new statistic? 

Jesus at the Center

"God is trying to speak to me. There is something He wants to show me."

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Sunday morning at church one of the songs they played for worship was "Waiting Here For You" by Christy Nockels. It happens to be one of my favorites. Later that afternoon as I was driving home I planned to stop by to visit the kids I watch because it had been a week since I had seen them. A few minutes before I got to their house that song came on from my phone. I had to turn it off before it completely finished though because I had pulled up to the house. When I got back in my car about thirty minutes later to go home and I turned on the radio the song was playing from almost the exact same spot I had turned it off on earlier. The rest of the drive home I just kept thinking about the song and the lyrics trying to let the truth in it sink into my heart. 

The next day I had to run several errands and when I got in my car to go to the pharmacy I turned my radio off and just started singing the song since it was still stuck in my head. After me singing it in silence for a few minutes I turned my radio back on and then it started to play. 

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"God is trying to speak to me. There is something He wants to show me."

This is where my thoughts ended up yesterday. 

I got home and started reading up on the meaning behind the song. I printed the lyrics and began looking over them. I searched scripture. I studied Hebrew and Greek words in these scriptures. The end result was nothing profound. The things I learned were all things I had already studied up on before. I prayed that God would open my eyes to see what it was He wanted to show me and my heart to receive it. 

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Today, after journaling and praying I grabbed a book I have called "Come Away My Beloved." I've mentioned it before in a previous post. It is a book filled with letters from God. I flipped it open today and read two of them. The last one I read brought me to tears. It said some things that went hand in hand with everything I had been feeling and also some instructions on what God was asking me to do in that moment. Right before I had read it, I was asking God questions about my heart. I was wondering why I felt the things I felt so strongly. I was getting frustrated too because I wasn't hearing any kind of response from God. The letter I ended up reading was called "Listen in the Silence." It was an encouragement to me about the season that I am, and how precious this season is (even if I don't always see it that way).  It said that I don't write to learn, but that when I learn I write. This was something that spoke a lot to me considering that I like to call myself a writer. It said that I need to seek the things God is trying to show me in the silence. I need to listen in the silence. 

So, with that, I grabbed a blanket and a pillow and I laid down on my couch and I just listened. I cried, but I listened. I don't have an entertainment center in my living room at the moment. I also have a lot of my painting that I have no idea where to put in my house. So, at the moment, they are all lined up against the wall on the floor across from my couch. So, while I was laying on the couch I was staring at all of them. It has been a couple of months since I last painted anything and I felt like God was telling me to paint. 

[DISCLAIMER: I do not consider myself to be a painter. I can paint, but I wouldn't call myself one. Here is the thing, I can't think of something on my own and paint it. Really, I have tried. The finished product usually looks like something a four year old would have done. However, if I look at a picture of a painting I can usually copy it and it come out looking good.]

I grabbed my easel and set it up. I got all of my painting supplies out and ready and then I just stared at my blank canvas. What was I suppose to paint? For some reason, I felt like the Lord whispered for me to paint my heart. So, I looked up pictures of heart paintings. They had several different kinds. Like painting of a heart and the way it is actually shaped. Nothing stuck out to me. Then, I had the grand idea to paint Jesus. 

[ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: I do not paint people. No really, I just don't. I have actually tried painting and drawing people, while looking at another picture. They all turn out completely awful.]

I looked up paintings of Jesus and found one that looked fairly simple. I was so so very wrong. Every stroke I made just made it worse. The wonderful thing about paint though, is that you can always paint over it! So I then painted the whole entire canvas black. Then I looked up other paintings of Jesus and finally I found one that I was about 95% positive I could do. 

It was only while I was painting it that I began to understand everything God was trying to speak to me. 

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In the song "Waiting Here For You," there is one verse that brings me to tears every time. 

"You're the Lord of all creation, And still you know my heart.

The Author of Salvation, You've loved us from the start."

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God knows my heart. He knows my heart better than I do. The truth of the matter is, when I am not focusing on Christ in me, I will not be in a place of peace. My heart without Christ in it is nothing. It is fragile and sinful. But, when Jesus is in me, when I pursue knowing him and spending time with Him, He takes the ugliness of my human nature and fills it with His glory and His Presence. When Jesus is at the center of my heart, why would I even want to look at any other part? 

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Just like in the painting. No one is focused on the black background. That isn't what captures your attention. Jesus is what you are focused on. Jesus is who you are looking at. 

Look at Jesus. He is what makes your heart beautiful.

 Let Him be the center of your focus and the center of your heart. 

Then everything else will fall into place. 

Through the Eyes of Christ

I bought a book the other day by John Piper called "When the Darkness Will Not Lift." So far I have read the introduction, which is not much, but there is a truth that is burning in my heart that I feel an urgency to write about. Over the past couple of days God had been working in my heart about a few things and giving me wisdom and confirmation about things through a few close friends. Often times I get so caught up in my emotions and it takes encouragement from friends who are willing to give me truth outside of what I feel. So I took some time to step back and examine my heart again. What I found was God's grace. When I allow my emotions to cloud my view I am forgetting the only truth that matters, which is that Christ loves me and the work He is and has done in me. I forget His grace. 

So what I would like to write about is the way we view ourselves and others, and how it directly affects our willingness to walk in His will. Christ has called me to love. He has called me to love Him and to love people. He has called me to pursue truth, to walk in faith, to encourage, to uplift, to be evidence of His grace. The way I see myself and others determines my ability to do any of these things. 

Let me explain what I mean. I am flawed. I make mistakes and I fall miserably short everyday. I do not deny any of these things. I am aware of how incredibly human I am. But, when all I see when I look at myself and other people is my own sin and shortcomings, I am not only viewing myself and them in a bad way, but I am completely missing the beauty of God's grace. There was a time when my self-image and worth was defined by my failures and regrets. This also meant that certain people who reminded me of those failures were people that I tried my hardest to completely remove from my life. Here's the thing though, until I found myself face to face with God and I was willing to confront those issues in my heart my perspective never would have changed. Not only was I missing the beauty of God's redemption and love because of my own flawed sight, but I was doing those people an injustice by labeling them because of my own sin. I was not only choosing to ignore the grace that God had given me but also the very same grace that He has given them. 

There are times when God needs us to confront the very things we are scared of before he can come in and restore those places. Of course it isn't easy. Sure, we can all accept that we fail and that we sin, but we sometimes can't accept the fact that Christ has forgiven us and made us new. So instead we just walk around dealing with the same issues over and over again because we never dealt with our hearts and we never truly accepted God's grace. We try and change our outward appearances and create social status hoping that if maybe everything looks good on the outside no one will see the ugliness on the inside. We become lovers of everything material and completely ignore the things that really matter.

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[1 Samuel 16:7]

"But the Lord said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The Lord does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart."

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When we see ourselves through our own eyes and not through the eyes of Christ we will never walk in freedom. Here is a bit of encouragement. Your righteousness doesn't come from anything you do! Nothing you have done in your past will ever make you less righteous. Nothing you do that is good will ever make you more righteous. Your righteousness comes from Jesus. Only Him. So stop viewing yourself in such a way that your actions determine your righteousness. All that will do is lead you to a place that lacks joy and peace and a place where your heart is not completely surrendered. Take the time to deal with your issues. Repent if that is what you have to do, but then accept God's grace. He gives it freely. 

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[Romans 6:18]

"You have been set free from sin and have become slaves to righteousness."

[2 Corinthians 5:17-21]

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come! All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. We are therefore Christ's ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ's behalf: Be reconciled to God. God made him who had no sin to be sin for us, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

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I am a woman the fails everyday. I have not arrived. I never will. There are still millions of things that I need to work on. But, I am also a woman of God. I am a woman of faith and virtue. I am a woman that has been redeemed. My life is a testimony of God's grace. When I see myself I don't see the bad, I just see how good God is. 

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[1 Peter 2:9]

"But you are a chosen people, a royal priesthood, a holy nation, a people belonging to God, that you may declare the praises of him who called you out of darkness into his wonderful light.."

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When we see how good God is and take our eyes off of ourselves we can actually love Him and people. We can be people of faith. We can be encouragers. We can be a people of prayer and lovers of the Word. 

Forget about your style and your talents. Forget about everything that isn't about God. Never take your eyes off of Him. Never forget His grace. Never forget His goodness. Live in freedom from your own perceptions. Accept His grace.

Just be with Jesus. 

Faith Works

God really does continue to amaze me day after day. I find myself completely speechless sometimes at how good He is. Over the past several months I have prayed that God would increase my faith in Him and looking back I see where He has and where my faith was put to the test. I remember when I would pray for something and then pray for the faith to trust that God would come through on that prayer. Over the months my faith has increased and with that came a confidence that God will do what God promised He would do. I've seen how my relationship with God has grown because I believe more and more in who He is. As I have spent time with Him I have grown more in simply knowing Christ. And, when you really know Christ, you have faith in Him. 

Over the past week God has been doing some significant stuff in my heart. He has also been confirming and reaffirming serveral things that he has spoken to me over the last few months. And, He is doing it in such obvious ways. There is no doubt that God is moving big in my heart. I see it happen daily before my eyes. So today, I would like to just brag on God about how good He is. I would like to share some of the things He has shown me this week. And, hopefully show you how much faith works.

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After a lot of time in prayer last week about several different things I grabbed a devotional book and opened it randomly and read the first thing I saw. It's a book that has different "letters from God" of sorts and the one I had read that particular day was simply titled "Rain." It was such a sweet letter from The Lord and was full of all of the encouraging words I needed to hear. It talked of God's promise to bring rain to my valley and that He would produce fruit. That He would bring an outpouring of His blessings and of His Spirit to me. I believed that God would do that. I didn't know when I just knew He would. So, I prayed that God would continue to just lead me and that while I waited for that blessing I would continue to just do what He called me to do. That night I went to youth with some friends and the message was about digging ditches. This probably doesn't seem relevant to most people but it was a direct confirmation to everything God had told me and spoken to me that morning. I encourage you to read 2 Kings 3 which is where this message came from in your free time. But, for sake of time I'll just give you the basis point for the sermon. Simply stated, we may not understand some of the things that God has asked us to do. We may not get how it is even suppose to help us. But, like the kings in that passage of scripture, sometimes the very labor that seems hard and maybe even painful and tidious to us, is the very thing needed to bring about our blessing. Digging ditches in a spiritual sense isn't easy, or fun. It's hard work. Especially digging a ditch in a dry valley where the ground is hard. But, how beautiful will that valley be after I have labored and dug and the rain comes and God fills it to overflowing and that hard ground becomes soft and flowers start to bloom. It's a beautiful picture. It's a beautiful promise. So this began the first of several back to back confirmations from Christ.

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That weekend after, I decided last minute to go to a girls night at my friend's church. The message literally (in the truest meaning of that word) reaffirmed some of the exact things God had spoken to me over the summer. The first being that God wanted to restore several things back to me in His timing. Over the summer and the months following the word restore has been a promise from God that as I just focus on Him and allow Him to work things out, He is preparing and restoring things back to me. Next, that my identity is found only in Christ. I read a book this summer about identity and God has revealed to me daily who I am in Him and has given me a confidence to be that unapologetically. The last thing said was about timing. Kairos timing to be exact. Which is a time of opportunity appointed by God. That every season I go through God has known and is with me through. That, my greatest pain can become my greatest purpose. Which God had revealed to me in a message in August. So in one night. Actually, in the matter of one hour,God reaffirmed three different things He had spoken to me over the course of three months prior to that night.

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Now to last night. For those of you who do not know, I am going to Romania in March for a three month internship there. Lately, I had been feeling really scared and nervous about going. I didn't doubt that God had called me to go. I guess, in a way, I just felt unworthy of going and unprepared emotionally to be able to handle it. I prayed about it before the meeting with a friend and just asked that God would give me peace in my heart about going. That He would remove all fear and give me an excitement and expectancy again. At the meeting one of the things said was that we shouldn't be going to Romania to try and escape our problems here. In that moment, the few seconds after that was said I thought to myself, "Well, that definitely isn't the case, if anything I wouldn't go to Romania to escape my problems." So of course, as only God would have it, the next thing said was that we also shouldn't stay and not go to Romania to escape our problems. Wow God, real subtle. Leaving that meeting I had my excitement back again. Going to Romania was never about me in the first place. It's not about my fears, my emotions, or how ready I think I am. It's about Jesus. It's just about Him. I'm not going for anyone else. I'm not even going for me. I'm going for Christ and He has and is preparing me in more ways than I realize. I just had to look past myself and at Him. He has shown me what dependency in Him looks like. He has shown me what compassion for people looks like. He has shown me what faith and trust can do. He has done what He has promised. He will do what He has promised. 

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I say all that to say this, faith works. God has answered my prayers in miraculous ways because faith works. There are several more than just those that I listed. I could go on for days about how faithful God is and how much He has answered. Faith doesn't mean that you pray something and expect it to be answered the way you think it needs to be answered when you think it needs to be answered. It's simply knowing that God knows best, He has it under control, and His timing is perfect. I'm usually pretty astounded every time God answers my prayers or reaffirms things to me. They are never in ways that I expect, but they are always in ways that could only be Christ. I simply just know that God will do only good and that I just have to wait and focus on Him. I just seek Him and give Him complete control over every part of me. It's that faith, that faith in who Christ is, that works. Let's be a people of faith. 

A Call to Love

As I sit here and write trying to figure out how to word everything stirring inside of my heart right now I am reminded of God's redemption. And, when I think of redemption, I think of atonement, which leads me to a very thankful heart. 

[Luke 2:38] 

"And coming in that instant she gave thanks to the Lord and spoke of Him to all those who looked for redemption in Jerusalem."

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I recently reconnected with an old classmate from high school. This has me thinking on several things. One being who I was versus who I am now. She mentioned to me that in high school she thought I didn't like her and she was surprised that I had messaged her. It's not that I didn't like her, I honestly just didn't see people. I never took the time in high school to really stop and notice the people around me that I wasn't friends with. I never went out of my way to get to know people. And, honestly, I wasn't a very good witness. I believe God had began working on me in some of these areas my senior year but by that point she had already graduated and the opportunity to be Jesus to her had passed. 

As I am slowly reconnecting with her now I am thankful that Christ has brought reconciliation in a place where I actually didn't even realize I needed it. Christ has allowed me to gain a new perspective on people and on Him and is continuing to break my heart for the people around me. He is stirring in my heart a desire to leave an impression of Him wherever I go and to everyone I come in contact with. The fact that He is opening up opportunities and doors that I in my own flesh had closed years ago leaves me humbled. His grace just simply leaves me speechless. 

I know there have been several others times when I have not been a good witness and overlooked God's children around me. All I can do is trust that God has and will send someone into their lives to be a light where I wasn't. And, He will, because God's grace and mercy is unfailing, and so is His love. And, He pursues after His children because He loves them. This also creates an urgency in me to constantly seek God's face so that I don't miss anymore opportunities. 

[Luke 4:18-19]

"The Spirit of the Lord is upon Me, Because He has anointed Me To preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, To proclaim liberty to the captives And recovery of sight to the blind, To set at liberty those who are oppressed; To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord."

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I can feel that the song inside of my heart continues to sing of compassion, gentleness, and love for people. This is something God continues to speak to me and show me more about. It is also something He continues to lay on my heart to write about. So, I just pray that as God stirs my heart for this He stirs yours as well. 

This isn't suppose to be this long and extravagant post about loving people and a step by step guide on how to do it. It is simply a call to do it. We are appointed. We have been filled with the Spirit of God. Sometimes we just have to be willing to ask God to open our eyes and actually look. There are no 3 step guides on how to love people. It doesn't have to be complicated. We just need to do it.

A Grain of Sand

[Luke 10:30-35 ESV]

Jesus replied, “A man was going down from Jerusalem to Jericho, and he fell among robbers, who stripped him and beat him and departed, leaving him half dead. Now by chance a priest was going down that road, and when he saw him he passed by on the other side. So likewise a Levite, when he came to the place and saw him, passed by on the other side. But a Samaritan, as he journeyed, came to where he was, and when he saw him, he had compassion. He went to him and bound up his wounds, pouring on oil and wine. Then he set him on his own animal and brought him to an inn and took care of him. ...

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As I've said before, I watch three kids. Now that school has started I only watch them after school. Yesterday, I only had to pick up the two girls from school because Brandon was at his dad's house. I had to pick them up, bring them home so Ada could do her homework, grab their overnight bags, and bring them to Lafayette to their mom and dad. They were strangely quiet and calm the whole ride there which I appreciated since I wasn't feeling that great. As we approached a red light on Evangline Throughway I noticed a man who I assume to be homeless standing on the side of the road holding a sign. He was standing to where the cars coming perpendicular to me were stopped so I couldn't see his sign. I just saw his side profile. Immediately I felt my heart break. I've always felt bad for the homeless people that I've seen before, but this was unlike anything I've felt before. I watched as car after car passed him by without even a second glance at him. I watched as one lady quickly turned her face away as she passed him and then when she was out of his sight began shaking her head in disapproval. I watched as car after car drove on without even a passing thought for that man. As my light turned green and I continued on I glanced back and looked at the man's face and all I saw was a hurting man that was desperate for a touch of compassion. As I drove away wth tears in my eyes I prayed for God to send someone to encourage him and to reveal Himself to him. 

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As I continue to think about this man and everything I felt in that moment all I can feel now is thankfulness. I'm thankful that God had poured His compassion on me and that he has increased my ability to feel and show compassion to His children. I'm thankful that He has allowed me to look past myself and see those around me. Actually see them. How many times before have I drove past people or walked past people looking in the opposite direction because I didn't want to look them in the face? How many times have I drove off without even a thought as to who they are and what God says about them? What really amazes me is how many times I have felt bad or sorry for those people but never took the time to pray for them. I may not be able to give all the time. I may not be able to stop and talk to them. But, I always have time to pray for them. How many people have I looked at and never really seen? 

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[Matthew 25:40 NIV]

"The King will reply, 'Truly I tell you, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.'

Turning my eyes and heart away from the hurting is the same as turning away from Christ. He has called me to love people and to show them love. I don't want to pass people by and not be Jesus to them. I don't want to walk this earth and not in some way do something for others and fulfill my calling as a disciple.

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[Colossians 3:12 ESV]

Put on then, as God's chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience,

A specific prayer of mine lately is that I would be gentle and I have prayed numerous scriptures over myself including Colossians 3:12. I have seen how God has moved in my heart and how He is daily giving me a heart that is more compassionate and gentle. I have watched my perspective change in great ways. I see myself react to things differently than I use to, and I see myself feeling things that I never use to feel.

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I am reminded of this picture God gave me two years ago. As I was praying for lost friends and family I had fallen on my knees and just began to weep. Then I saw a beach and I saw myself grab a handful of sand. As I stared at the thousands of grains of sand in my hand and watched them fall through my fingers I felt like God told me that my capacity to love and to hurt was one grain of sand. That if you were to measure what I felt and the desperation in my heart for the people I loved to know Christ it would be one grain of sand. Just one. But, God's desire for His children to know Him, and the pain He feels when they turn from Him is every single grain of sand in the entire world. That my level of compassion is one. His is all. My ability to love is measured by one. His is all.

I think about this often. Whenever my emotions are strong and the things I feel start to weigh heavy on my heart. I am always reminded that my capacity for any kind of feeling is limited. If I were to feel what God feels I would not be able to survive.

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Jesus's heart yearns for that man. Jesus's heart yearns for every man. Though Iwant freedom, blessings, and salvation for that man and every person I know, I will never want it as much as God does. But, I want to be able to love them with all of the ability I have. I want my one grain of sand to be filled with compassion. I want to love people and see people with everything I can. 

I think we all should want that. 

Sick Day

I woke up this morning at four with a really itchy and irritated throat. I'm sure everyone can testify to how uncomfortable that feels. I laid in my bed for about thirty minutes hoping I would just fall back asleep and it would go away. When I couldn't fall back asleep I decided I would go take some medicine. So with all the strength I could muster up I hopped out of bed and stumbled into the bathroom to grab some Benadryl. The light from the bathroom hurt my tired eyes and so I quickly poured the medicine into my mouth and turned the lights off. Then I was faced with this really awkward after taste in my mouth and I knew I needed some water. So with no lights on and only my hands to guide the way I found my way into the kitchen and got a water bottle. I somehow was able to find my way back to bed only running into the couch and dresser once. I'm not sure how long it took for the medicine to kick in but eventually I fell into a very hard sleep. When I finally woke up for good this morning I didn't feel like myself. I felt tired and drained and really weak. Over the past twenty years of my life I have come to learn the way my body works and I know when I am getting sick. I can feel it. So I went about my morning routines and then went next door to have breakfast with my mom. After breakfast I could feel my eyes closing and so I did what I normally do when I am sick and not feeling good. I grabbed a blanket and pillow and curled into a ball on the couch and slept.

It wasn't just a cold or my allergies acting up. I felt like I did whenever I was coming down with a fever. I get super weak. I can't walk. I don't want to eat, and I have these random hot flashes and chills that alternate every ten minutes or so. My head didn't feel hot though. So I didn't have a fever I just felt awful. So I laid on that couch until three this afternoon. Only moving to switch sides that I was sleeping on. I got up maybe twice the whole time and each time I did get up pretty much took an act of congress because I was so weak.

Then I did something that I never do when I am sick. I got up and fixed me something to eat. I ate and then I walked around the house for a little while trying to give myself some energy. I actually started to feel a little better too. But, then I went back to the couch and laid there for awhile again.

When I'm sick, I don't ever leave the house. So it's not like I was rolling around in a puddle of mud or anything. But, I always want a hot shower when I'm sick. I don't know why. Call it tradition if you want, but that's what I do. I also always feel awful after a shower or bath and not very long after I am running fever. So what do I do? I take a hot shower. (Sometimes I wonder if common sense just leaves my body completely when I am not feeling well)

I started feeling weak right when I got out.

No surprise there.

So, I got back into my little ball on the couch and laid down like the pathetic girl that I was. I started thinking about different things. I was thinking about the last time I was sick and then I got to thinking about every time I have been sick over the last year. I don't know why I started thinking about this, but I did. I started thinking about how the only times that I have ever eaten anything when I wasn't feeling good was when someone made me. I was thinking about all the people that have taken care of me when I was sick over this past year and everything they did to make me feel better. About my roommates who would pray over me and make me laugh. I realized I was never sick longer than a day at a time this year. I was encouraged to get better and do things to help myself get better.

So as I laid on the couch, not feeling good, thinking about all of this, I recalled how I got up earlier and I fixed myself food and I walked around and how I felt after I did those things. I felt tired still, but I wasn't as weak as I was when I just laid there not moving.

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We all have sick days sometimes. Physically and spiritually. It's important that we don't allow ourselves to just lay there and hope that it will pass soon. We must choose to actively do something. God rewards faith in big ways. You may start off slow. Holding on to anything near you so that you don't fall down. But, with each step you take your strength will increase.

I think that we get scared too easily. We have been walking this path and we see God's hand upon us and we feel great and then all of a sudden we "get sick" and we panic because we weren't expecting it.

This past week has been wonderful for me as far as my joy. I have kept myself fairly busy this past week. I've been doing a lot of things. Exploring new places. Developing new passions.

So when I woke up this morning not feeling good I didn't know what to do. I had been so busy and here I was with nothing to do and not feeling good. And, I so easily found myself in my old routine for "sick days."

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I'm thankful for God's grace and for His gentle voice that speaks to me. I had allowed myself to think that the reason I have been doing so good or the reason I had this new joy was because I was occupying myself with doing things. And, that when I wasn't doing those things I wouldn't be as joyful.

I have joy because Jesus gave me joy. Those passions that He is stirring up in me are from Him. There is no doubt in my mind that they aren't. But, I have joy in the quietness too. I have joy when the excitement of exploring and doing things isn't near. When it's just me alone in a house all day.

I have strength because he gave me strength. Not just for days when I am feeling great and like I can conquer the world, but also on days when my body is tired and I may not be up for much. I have strength when I actively pursue Christ and press on.

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Don't allow yourself to fall into your old routines because you are scared to walk. Don't let your "sick day" allow you to doubt what God has done in you and where He is taking you.  And, don't undermine quiet moments with Jesus. Quiet moments with Him does not mean you aren't walking. Never mistake busyness as holiness. Accept each moment as they come. In your busy days and your not so busy days. Take a step for each of them and walk through that day as God calls you to walk through it.

Practice His Presence

Wednesday night I went to youth and worship was absolutely incredible. The alter call lasted longer than it normally does and while I was worshipping and praying I felt like God gave me a picture in my head of what this process I am in looks like.  

It was pitch black and I could see the shadow of myself. Then as I kept looking I saw a light, which was Jesus, and He had a chisel in His hands.  He would chisel away at different pieces of me, but once He moved to a different part of me that piece that was chiseled away would come back. Then my shadow lifted both arms and just began to worship. Immediately once that happened I began to glow and every imperfection was covered. 

I didn't understand what it meant but I couldn't get it out of my head.  

Yesterday, me and my friend Lexi were just talking about the body of Christ and about character and as our conversation progressed to different things she said something and all of a sudden everything I saw clicked. We began to discuss personality and how we should never justify our personality with the excuse of "it's just the way we are," or "it's how we were made." We talked about how crazy it is that we can pray and pray to be patient or more gentle and we start to become that and then out of nowhere we get impatient or say something rude. It's like we view ourselves and our relationship with Christ as a stepping ladder. Once we mess up we take a step down. How exhausting. She mentioned that we are nothing outside of Christ and to practice His presence.  

It was around this time that the wheels in my head were turning and I put it all together. Christ never said that we would die to our flesh once and then bam,we would never deal with that issue or character flaw again. No, He said to die to our flesh daily! 

[Luke 9:23] 

"And he said to all, "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me."

Apart from Christ I am wicked, rude, and my personality, in all honesty, sucks. In the picture I saw, Christ was working on areas in me, and maybe for a little bit I was doing good, but the minute he left that area my flesh took over again. It was only when I praised Him and invited His presence to consume me that every part of me became beautiful. 

So, in the words of my lovely friend, practice His presence. When you begin to allow your personality to dictate how you treat people, practice His presence. When you are struggling with your character, practice His presence.  When you start to view your walk with God as a ladder where you can never reach the top, practice His presence. I am nothing but filthy rags without Him. But, when I welcome His presence freely and when my attitude stays one of worship, His glory and grace covers even the ugliest of places. 

[Genesis 17:1 AMP]

"When Abram was ninety-nine years old, The Lord appeared to him and said, I am the Almighty God; walk and live habitually before Me and be perfect (blameless, wholehearted, complete). 

Practice His Presence! 

Beautifully Broken

I talk a lot about vulnerability and the freedom it brings. So today, I will be vulnerable. Today I will share places in my heart that are special and painful. 

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All week God has been telling me to remember His faithfulness. To remember His promises. To not give up. I've wanted to! I knew I wouldn't but sometimes in the weariness when you just don't see how you have the strength to make it, it's all you feel you can do. 

On Wednesday I told myself I wasn't going to go to youth that night. Even if I got off early enough I had made up my mind that I was not going to go! Don't get me wrong I love youth. It wasn't because I was starting to fall away and didn't want to be at church or anything. I was just exhausted. I was weary. I was broken. And, frankly, I didn't want to put on a front of being ok when at that moment I wasn't. You see, the night before I was alone and just listening to music having a pretty good time by myself. Then a pain that was unlike anything hit me. It literally knocked me to the ground. I started gasping for air. I couldn't breathe. I cried so hard that I had a migraine, threw up, and got a sore throat. This lasted about two hours until I was so worn out that all I could do was go to sleep. So when I woke up Wednesday morning to swollen eyes and a numb face church was definitely not on my list of top places to go. Back to bed was where I wanted to be. 

About an hour after I woke up my friend Hannah texted me and told me she was going to youth that night. No matter how I'm feeling, if she says she will be there, I will do anything in my power to be there with her.  She has been a friend of mine since middle school and I love her so much. I know God has amazing things planned for her and I want to be a support to her in her walk with Christ. I told her I didn't know what time I would get off but that I would try my hardest to be there. And, I knew I would try. Despite my feelings I would do my absolute best. 

I got off of work early that day. With more than enough time to go home and get ready and head to church. When I got there I texted her that I was there and called her and there wasn't a response. She didn't show up. But, God did. The message was about God's faithfulness, broken seasons, and waiting. Everything that was said was what I needed to hear. Everything that was said was exactly what I am walking through. I cried the entire service. And, I literally mean the entire time. I got another headache because I cried so hard. On the way there I was telling God how tired I was, how much I just wanted to give up, only to hear it spoken over me several times to not give up. To go through the valley even if I have to crawl my way through. And, sometimes I will have to crawl through. 

God got my attention that night. He gave me the strength to get back up again. To embrace the hard moments as they come, because they will. This season is not over yet. Oh, but it will be one day

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Lord, renew me today, and during this time here, show me Your beauty. Bring me refreshment. Breathe into me. Let me feel your presence. Reveal yourself to me. God, be my strength. Walk me through. Don't let me linger. You are good and Holy. Show me reminders today. Don't let me forget. Embrace me like the tide embraces the shore. 

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That is what I wrote Friday morning in my journal as I sat on a balcony in Destin, Florida looking at the ocean. That was my prayer.

The beach is one of my absolute favorite places to be. I love the way the sand feels between my toes and I love the smell of the salt water. I can sit in one spot for hours and stare at the sea and its beauty never fails and the image never gets old. When I walked out on that balcony my first morning there I felt relief. Relief because I knew God was going to do something special for me. And, if I'm being honest, relief to be away from everything else. 

I walked to the beach that day and while my family sat behind me talking and my niece and nephew ran around playing, I stood off to the side, my feet the only thing in the water and just prayed. I did not move for a very long time. I was completely still and completely vulnerable. I asked God questions. I poured out my heart. I asked more questions. I marveled at the beauty of His creation. I thanked Him for His goodness, and then I left.

It was overcast that day (it was actually overcast the whole trip). And, at around four that afternoon it started to rain and it was incredibly windy. I went onto the balcony and sat on the ground. I watched the rain and the waves and knew God did that for me. I absolutely love the rain. It was beautiful and perfect. I remember asking God for a rainbow. I asked Him to reveal His promise to me. I was asking Him to renew my hope. Then I journaled again. 

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...standing at the edge of the shore I find myself able to be vulnerable again. I hear Your still small voice whispering to me. Encouraging me. Reminding me of Your love. Whispering hope to me. It is raining now, and cold, and absolutely beautiful to me. Because I feel you. I see you in the storm. I see the beauty in it. God make this storm beautiful. Jesus breathe life and hope to me. Renew and refresh. Give me moments with you. More moments. As the water and shore never part, You never leave me. Give me more of you Jesus.

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At about that time the people in the condo below us started feeding the birds. So to my delight about 20 birds started flying right outside of my balcony. I love birds! I don't know what it is about them but they fascinate me. It doesn't matter what kind, I just find them all intriguing. I grabbed my phone to take some pictures and then thanked God again. He did that for me too. He gave me the ocean, he gave me rain, and he gave me birds. He was giving me moments. 

I forgot about the rainbow. I went inside and spent some time with my family. Then my sister Sarah walked in and said that we had to go see the sunset outside. That it was breathtaking. I walked outside and the first thing I saw wasn't the sunset but a rainbow. A rainbow just for me. A rainbow that was painted on one side of the sky with the sunset on the other side. It wasn't the most beautiful rainbow I've seen as far as the way it looked. What made it beautiful was the signature from God. The love letter that it was from Him telling me He loved me. That He hears me. That He is beside me. That even though my doubt causes me to question sometimes, He is faithful and He has promised. That I do know His voice and that I have heard from Him. It said that He was proud of me and that I am His beloved. 

I almost fell on the ground because I was so overwhelmed. I forgot that I even asked Him for it. He didn't forget. He remembers. He remembers my desires. He knows what I love. He knows how to speak to me. He knows my heart. 

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I don't talk about the pain I am experiencing so openly for sympathy (but if I happen to cross your mind, please pray for me). I talk about it for hope. I don't know what valley you are walking through. I don't know what battle you are fighting. All I know is that there is hope. I will not tell you that this season will end soon. I don't know when it will for me let alone you. I will not tell you that the pain will become more bearable, or lessen in intensity. I don't find that to be true for myself. I find that as time goes on sometimes the pain hits me at random, with great intensity. I do ,however, find that in those moments, my transparency with God has increased. My trust is becoming greater. He fills me up each time with what I need to get through. There is hope in Him who knows. Sometimes that is all I have to cling to. The knowledge that He knows. And, he does. He is faithful. He is so faithful. I tell you this because I understand. I understand what weary and tired feel like. I understand what brokenness looks like. I understand that sometimes you want to lie and rest. I understand that sometimes you feel like there is no fight left in you. God has not allowed me to give up. Each time I've wanted to, He moved in a way that leaves me with no doubt that He is with me. When I asked Him to carry me, He has held me tightly and walked me through. Don't give up. He is fighting for you. He is your hope. You may be broken, but He is making you beautiful. Beautifully Broken.

Believe Beloved.

A Willing Heart

My first year in masters God called me to missions. Thinking back on how it happened always makes me smile at how God works. I entered the year with the idea that I would do worship and it was going to be great. Missions was never even a thought in my mind, at all! I've always loved traveling but the idea of living on the mission field was never an exciting thought to me. When the time came to pick which institute I would be in that year, I looked at the paper and suddenly I didn't know what to do. In that moment I had a conflict. Missions or worship? And then on top of that, I was confused because I didn't understand why there was a conflict to begin with. So I circled both which meant that I needed help deciding and turned it in. Then, Pastor Shawn and Mrs. Nichole called me up to explain why I couldn't pick between the two. The words that came out of my mouth shocked me! I said, "because I love worship and it's a gift God gave me, but he has called me to the mission field." What?!?!? In that moment I wanted to slap myself and ask me why I would ever say something so absurd. Pastor Shawn looked at me and said, "then it's obvious, you are in missions." 

The peace that I felt in that moment was unreal. I questioned many times if the mission field was really where God was calling me to, and He gave me several conformations throughout the year. I accepted the call, but I didn't understand what it was going to require of me until very recently. 

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Yesterday I read a book called "The Barbarian Way" by Erwin Raphael McManus.  It was a really quick and easy read and I finished it in a few hours. The book started off with a scripture in Judges talking about Jephthah. This was not the basis of the book, but rather just a reference to one of the points they were making. Where it led me has nothing to do with what I learned in the book. (Although I do recommend the book and did find it challenging) 

After finishing the book I couldn't get Jephthah out of my mind so I grabbed my Bible and turned to Judges so I could read all of his story. He was cast from his father's house by his brothers and dwelt in a land that was not his own. Later, when the people of Ammon made war against Israel the elders went to Jephthah and asked him to be their commander against the people of Ammon and lead them to victory. He agreed and returned and began to prepare. 

[Judges 11:29-33]

Jephthah's Vow and Victory

"Then the Spirit of The Lord came upon Jephthah, and he passed through Gilead and Manasseh, and passed through Mizpah of Gilead; and from Mizpah of Gilead he advanced toward the people of Ammon. And Jephthah made a vow to The Lord, and said, "If You will indeed deliver the people of Ammon into my hands, then it will be that whatever comes out of the doors of my house to meet me, when I return in peace from the people of Ammon, shall surely be the Lord's, and I will offer it up as a burnt offering." So Jephthah advanced toward the people of Ammon to fight against them, and The Lord delivered them into his hands. And he defeated them from Aroer as far as Minnith- twenty cities- and to Abel Keramim, with a very great slaughter. Thus the people of Ammon were subdued before the children of Israel."

That was a very bold vow he made to God. I imagine that upon his return home he found himself in a very nervous state waiting to see what or who he would have to offer to God. I'm sure I would be scared. As I read on to see the outcome of that vow I was left in complete awe. 

[Judges 11:34-40] 

Jephthah's Daughter

"When Jephthah came to his house at Mizpah, there was his daughter, coming out to meet him with timbrels and dancing; and she was his only child. Besides her he had neither son nor daughter. And it came to pass, when he saw her, that he tore his clothes, and said, " Alas, my daughter! You have brought me very low! You are among those who trouble me! For I have given my word to The Lord, and I cannot go back on it." So she said to him, " My father, if you have given your word to The Lord, do to me according to what has gone out of your mouth, because The Lord has avenged you of your enemies, the people of Ammon." Then  she said to her father, "Let this thing be done for me: let me alone for two months, that I may go and wander on the mountains and bewail my virginity, my friends and I." So he said, "Go." And he sent her away for two months; and she went with her friends, and bewailed her virginity on the mountains. And it was so at the end of two months she returned to her father, and he carried out his vow with her which he had vowed. She knew no man. And it became a custom in Israel that the daughters of Israel went four days each year to lament the daughter of Jephthah the Gileadite." 

There is so much in those few verses that speak wonders of the character of Jephthah's daughter, and after reading it several times I believe there are a few things we can glean from this woman. I try and imagine how I would feel and react if this were me. I had just planned a big celebration for my fathers return home from war with dancing and music and the first words he says to me are that "you have brought me very low," and "you are among those who trouble me." Wow! I'm pretty sure those were not the words she was expecting. It goes on and he says that he has made a vow to The Lord and he cannot go back on it. Rather than try to beg and plead, she immediately responds that he must do to her what he has vowed. I don't know about you, but I would probably be throwing a fit saying "Woe is me!" She then asks for two months to go into the mountains with her friends (female companions) and bewail her virginity. After the two months, she returns, and the vow is carried out.

I don't believe the vow was that he would kill his daughter. Human sacrifice was not allowed and I don't think he would have made a vow to God that was against God's law. Many Bible scholars agree that the vow was that she would be devoted completely to God. She would never marry or have kids and her life became a service to God. Jephthah had no other children so this would also mean that his name would not be carried into future generations. It was a sacrifice for both of them. 

I'm not saying that God is asking me to sacrifice something like the possibility of ever getting married(in fact, on the contrary, I believe He has called me to marry and have kids one day), but after reading this I am challenged in how I will respond when God does call me to sacrifice things. I wonder if there was a part of her that thought about running away when she was in the mountains those two months, and just not going back. She didn't though, she returned, and she faced the sacrifice with trust that God was worth it. 

God is continually calling me to a place of sacrifice. God is calling me to go places and let go of my comforts of home or always knowing where I am going. 

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My friend Robin would always joke that God was going to call me to Africa because it was the one place that I didn't want to go. The idea of living there terrified me, plus when I think of Africa I think of heat, and I hate being hot! I came to the place where I said I would go if God asked me to, but there was no joy in my heart about it. Willingness with a crabby attitude is not a pretty thing. 

A few weeks ago I moved out of my parents house and into the house next door. It was built for my aunt who is now in the nursing home and it is in my parents yard. I still have them next door (literally like 15 feet away) if I need anything, but I also have a place to myself the rest of the time. In this home of mine, there is one window unit to cool off the entire house, and the air does not circulate very well. I have a big industrial fan in the hallway so that I can try and get air into the bedroom at night. One night, it was just not doing its job and it was miserably hot. I laid in bed with no blankets on just praying. I said "God, if you are preparing me for Africa and the heat you sure picked a fantastic way to do so!" Looking back on that now I laugh, but in that moment, I was so serious.  

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I do not know if God is calling me to Africa. I do not know where I will go. All I know is that God is calling me to a place where I am willing to sacrifice my comforts and pursue him. I find that each and every day He is giving me a heart that desires to be yielded and willing to His calling. If he wants me to spend the rest of my life in the jungle of Africa with a tent as my home, then that tent will be my place of rest and joy. If he calls me to Russia, China or the middle of Port Barre, Louisiana, then my heart is open and willing to sacrifice my own comfort to be with Him.  

Jephthah's daughter wouldn't have chosen that life for herself. She went into the mountains for two months to weep over the sacrifice she was going to have to make. But, after that was done, she willlingly went where her Father called her. I believe on that mountain she found her peace and her joy in Christ. That her willingly heart was filled with the joy of her King and in knowing that she would be found in Him. 

I had my "mountain time." My "two months of bewailing" so to say. But there comes a time where we must decide if we will run from the sacrifice and calling because of fear, or if we will willingly step into that life with the joy and fulfillment of Christ. 

Reflections

I have been known to make sarcastic comments while driving. It was my way of letting out my frustration when a car would cut me off or something like that. Instead of yelling I would usually say something along the lines of "Really? That is just beautiful!" It was also usually accompanied by a nice roll of the eyes, a loud sigh, and a shaking of the head.

The other day, I was driving home from work when a car decided that instead of getting into the next lane so I could get on the highway, it would just wait and wait until it was next to me and I was completely stopped to get over. It had been a long day and I wanted to just be home and I was frustrated that the driver was so inconsiderate. So I lifted my hand and said "Really? You couldn't have just moved over and let me in?" Immediately after those words left my mouth I felt convicted. I said "I'm sorry Lord for my attitude, forgive me."

A constant prayer of mine the past few months is that I would be gentle. I have always been known for my sarcasm. I was actually voted most sarcastic girl in my senior class in high school. I never gave it much thought. I just accepted it as who I was. Yet, I also knew that I could be the sweetest and most gentle person if I wanted to be. But, it's very hard to be known as sweet and gentle, and sarcastic.  They don't exactly go together. I had to choose what I wanted to be known by. The sarcastic woman whose witty comments made people laugh and gained praise from the world? Or, the gentle woman whose quiet spirit brought refreshment to a dying world and pleased her Father? The answer should be obvious right? But flesh is never easy to die to. 

So began my journey two months ago to become the gentle woman God has called me to be. I began praying scriptures over myself everyday. 

[Ephesians 4:2]

"Be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." 

[Philippians 4:5]

"Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near."

[Colossians 3:12]

"Therefore as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience." 

[1 Peter 3:4]

"Instead it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight." 

Great worth in God's sight! Unfading beauty! Gentleness produces unfading beauty that God values! I began to desire it more than anything. I wanted to be that woman whose spirit brought encouragement and peace to those around. 

I have been told a few times the last few weeks that I was different. That something about me had changed. Jesus has changed me is my only response. And I'm so thankful!

I still slip. That was made very clear when I was driving. Everyday I have to surrender my attitude to Christ. Just this past Wednesday I made a comment to someone that wasn't rude, but it could have been said in a much sweeter way. I knew it right after I said it too, so I added a little please at the end. I walked away from that thanking God that He showed me the areas I still needed to grow in, and asked Him to help me get better.

There is a burden in my heart for the church. We need to pursue holiness at all cost. That means laying down things and accepting the process God wants to take us on in molding us to be more like Him. It means forsaking conformity and complacency. We have to reach a place where we no longer accept "the way we are" as the way God wants us to be. That very well may mean letting go of habits and ways of thinking that we have walked in our entire lives. It is not an easy road,and the change will not happen overnight. But, God is faithful, and one day you will look back and see how God has moved inside you. It is time for us to be a reflection of our Father, not of this world. 

Painter's Hands

I love to paint. I grew up watching my mom paint and over the years I have developed a love for it. I am not the best, but something about it calms me. When I paint, my mind is relaxed from everything that I am dealing with and I can just focus on creating something.

I also make a complete mess every time. I get paint everywhere! It's all over my hands, my legs, my face, and the table!! I have tried to be super careful, but it doesn't matter. I will not leave my paint session unmarked.

Today was no different. I spent about 3 hours this morning just painting and it was so peaceful. I finished and started picking up all of my stuff and I stopped and just stared at my hands. They were completely covered in paint. I smiled and thought to myself, "Why do I always paint my hands and the canvas?" The very thing I was trying to create left a mark on me. There is no doubt if someone had walked in at that moment they would know that I had painted. They wouldn't have even had to know me or know that I liked painting. The evidence was all over me.

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God created absolutely everything. He created this world we see. He created you and me. And we, as His creation are forever imprinted on His hands. His hands are marked with us. No one else gets the glory for the beautiful workmanship that you are but Him. Just like no one gets the credit for creating something that I painted. The things that God does in you and through you are a testimony of who He is, not who we are. It is not in my own doing that I can be patient, gentle, or that I can even love purely. It is only because God has created those things in me.

This season that God has me in has been one of refinement and creation. God has been creating things in me that are completely new and wonderful. I see my character changing in a lot of different ways. I see boldness in areas where I lacked. I see confidence in areas where there was once insecurity. I see gentleness where there was once sarcasm. I am able to focus on the good where I was once only able to dwell on the hurt. These are all very beautiful things that I and no one else has credit in doing in me. The really cool thing though, is that myself, and everyone that I am surrounded by, gets to share in this new creation I am becoming through Christ.

You see, I didn't become this person who all of a sudden knows how to communicate or all of a sudden is secure in who she is. The truth in fact is that I was pretty much awful at communicating my thoughts and feelings. Not because I wanted to be, I just didn't know how. And, I lacked confidence in who God created me to be. I believed that everyone who told me I was beautiful believed it. I just didn't believe it myself exactly. These two areas of my life I have prayed for God to change in me numerous amounts of time. The thing was though, I was praying that I would be made new in these areas for other people, not for Him. I can never expect to communicate with people I love if I can't with my Heavenly Father. It wasn't until I was able to get vulnerable with God that I was able to effectively communicate with others. And, the way I see myself now, I see through the eyes of Christ. This means no one else gets the glory for the way I see myself. Because, it is not from their words that I believe, but from God's truth that I know.

God's hands are marked with everything He has created inside of me. But, the painting He has made in me is on display for others to see and share in.

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You are a beautiful masterpiece designed by God. Don't steal His glory for the creation you are and are becoming and give it to someone else, or to yourself. Instead, give Him praise and honor, and let others marvel at the wonder of Christ and share in the blessing that you are.

[Isaiah 64:8 AMP]

"Yet, O Lord, You are our Father; we are the clay, and You our Potter, and we all are the work of Your hand."

Standing Speechless

Today, I am speechless. 

And by speechless, I mean that I have about a million different things on my mind. 

A million thoughts that I don't quite know how to articulate. 

So, I will not try to. I will simply write what is burning in my heart. 

Every thought and emotion I am feeling I will do my best to write in words. 

And I pray that whoever reads this can be encouraged in some way, in whatever way you may need. 

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[I would be lying if I said that the last few months have been a walk in the park. In reality, they have been very difficult. I do not regret this season though. The things God has done in me far outweighs the hard times this season has and is bringing me. I find myself continually asking God for an increase in trust and faith. It is not easy.] 

[Looking back on my journal the past few weeks, I see myself asking God to be enough for me. I am realizing what a bold prayer that actually is. Everyday, He is faithful. Everyday, He becomes all that I need Him to be. He is my comforter, my peace, my counselor, my Father, and so much more. He has given me joy when I couldn't even see it near. He has given me strength when I didn't even have enough to get out of my bed. He has proven Himself to me over and over. Yet, I am still praying that He would be enough.] 

[I knew it was going to be hard. I knew it wasn't natural. I am a dreamer. In every aspect of the word. Sometimes I find myself in "lala" land dreaming up ridiculous scenarios and trying to figure out how I would react if they actually came true. Sometimes I dream for things to happen and pray that God would make a mental note in case He later wanted to "make it reality for me." He already knows those dreams though. He knows the desires of my heart. He knows about the things I long for, the things I hope for. And, He knows how very painful it is for me to ask Him to take them all. To ask Him to accept my very longings as an offering.] 

[I feel like an Indian giver. I give Him my desires and in the next moment I find myself crying for Him to give them back. Then I cry because I lacked the faith to believe that He would give me what I needed.] 

[This past week, God keeps reminding me to stand on His promises. Easy right? No. Not at all. Not for me anyway. I know God has promised good things for me. I don't know what those good things are though. And if we are being honest, I am very scared to believe what some of those promises are. I am fearful of deceiving myself.]

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Notice how much of what I just wrote are all unfinished thoughts. Imagine that inside of your brain. That is exactly what I have been thinking on. God keeps telling me to stand. To stand firm in Him, and only Him. And, when I don't have the strength to stand, He reminds me that He will hold me up. He reminds me to stand on His promises. Even if I don't know what they are. When you stand on His promises, your hope is in Him. He tells me to stand for those who can't. And when I question how I can possibly do that for someone when I can't for myself, He shows me that as I hold them up he is carrying the majority of the weight. 

There is so much that I do not know. So much that I don't understand. I can't begin to even try. 

As I was driving home today after church and lunch with some friends, I simply didn't know what to say. I didn't understand why I was feeling certain things. I didn't understand really what emotions I was feeling. I was at a loss for words. And I cried. A lot. The only thing I could say was "Lord, I am speechless."I dont know what I am feeling. I don't know what I need. I don't have any beautiful words to pray to you. I don't understand this season entirely, I just know what you have done in me so far and that it is good. I don't know what your promises are. I am speechless." 

 God simply said "I know." 

[Psalm 139:1 AMP]

"O Lord, you have searched me [thoroughly] and have known me."

So to whoever this post finds. Wherever you are. Whatever you are going through.

"Beloved Son/Daughter, 

It is ok to not know it all. It is ok to not know what to say. I am with you in and through every season. Every tear and every laugh I have heard and memorized. Vulnerability with me is not only for when you understand your emotions. Sometimes vulnerability is simply telling me when you don't know. I have called you to stand firm in Me. I know you will not always have the strength to. But I am enough. I will hold you up when you can't stand any longer. I have called you to stand when you understand and when you don't. When you have words, and when you don't. Stand. And if you are speechless, then stand speechless. 

Love, 

Your King who knows." 

Stones

We've all done it. We aren't really sure where to read in our Bibles so we close it, ask God to show us something, and then open it randomly and read. I'm also sure that just like me, we open it and read, and then question what it was we just exactly read. It was suppose to be this divine revelation and all we got was that another nation turned away from God, the Israelites were still wandering in the desert, etc. Those stories are important but they weren't exactly what you were hoping for right? You were more expecting a big flashy neon sign that listed everything you were walking through and the steps to take to get through it signed with a nice "I love you, from God." Wouldn't that be nice right?  

Remember when I said God likes to show me things during the kids nap time? He doesn't disappoint. Today, I put on worship music, grabbed my Bible, and opened up to Isaiah 54. Instead of flipping to another page I sat there and read it. After reading it all I could think of was mercy and that God repeatedly gives out mercy to His people. I closed my Bible, got up and checked on the kids, and then sat back down. I opened my Bible and again I opened it to Isaiah 54. It was just a coincidence right? So I closed my Bible again. Then I opened it again. Right to Isaiah 54. Ok Lord, you have my attention!!! I read it over and over again.

In verse 11 it says that God will lay our stones with colorful gems, and our foundations with sapphires. It continues on talking about rubies, crystals, and precious stones. I always thought that this painted such a beautiful picture, but I really couldn't get it out of my mind. While thinking on it and looking up different stuff about this chapter the song "Come Thou Fount" came on. It stopped me in my tracks and I had to replay the song just so I could really focus on the words.

Come thou fount of every blessing
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace
Streams of mercy never ceasing
Call for songs of loudest praise

And teach me some melodious sonnet
Sung by flaming tongues above
I'll praise the Mount I'm fixed upon it
Mount of God's unchanging love

Here I raise my Ebenezer
Hither by Thy help I come
Oh, and I hope by Thy good pleasure
Safely to arrive at home

Oh Jesus, sought me when a stranger
Wondering from the fold of God
He, to rescue me from danger
Interposed His precious blood

So to grace, how great a debtor
Daily I'm constrained to be
And let Thy grace like a fetter
Bind my wandering heart to Thee

Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it
Prone to leave the God I love
Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

Here's my heart, Lord, take and seal it
Seal it for Thy courts above

How just like us. Just like the people God was speaking to in Isaiah. We are prone to leave God. The one who loves us. The one who pours His mercy on us over and over. It is a cry to Jesus asking Him to seal our hearts to Him, because if it isn't in Him, it will wander. The line that said "Here I raise my Ebenezer" interested me.

1 Samuel 7:12
"Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen, and called its name Ebenezer, saying, "Thus far the Lord has helped us."

Ebenezer means stone of help.

In that chapter in 1 Samuel, Samuel was judging Israel and asking them to turn away from their foreign gods and prepare their hearts for the Lord. They were about to be attacked by the Philistines and asked Samuel to "not cease to cry out to God on their behalf to save them." God came through. He helped them. Then in the next chapter they reject Him again. We are a fickle people.
 

Isaiah 54

A Perpetual Covenant of Peace

"Sing, O barren, You who have not borne! Break forth into singing, and cry aloud, You who have not labored with child! For more are the children of the desolate Than the children of the married woman," says the Lord. "Enlarge the place of your tent, And let them stretch out the curtains of your dwellings; Do not spare; Lengthen your cords, And strengthen your stakes. For you shall expand to the right and to the left, And your descendants will inherit the nations, And make the desolate cities inhabited. "Do not fear, for you will not be ashamed; Neither be disgraced, for you will not be put to shame; For you will forget the shame of your youth, And will not remember the reproach of your widowhood anymore. For your Maker is your husband, The Lord of hosts is His name; And your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel; He is called the God of the whole earth. For the Lord has called you Like a woman forsaken and grieved in spirit, Like a youthful wife when you were refused," Says your God. "For a mere moment I have forsaken you, But with great mercies I will gather you. With a little wrath I hid My face from you for a moment; But with everlasting kindness I will have mercy on you," Says the Lord, your Redeemer. "For this is like the waters of Noah to Me; For as I have sworn That the waters of Noah would no longer cover the earth, So have I sworn That I would not be angry with you, nor rebuke you. For the mountains shall depart And the hills be removed, But my kindness shall not depart from you, Nor shall My covenant of peace be removed," Says the Lord, who has mercy on you. "O you afflicted one, Tossed with tempest, and not comforted, Behold, I will lay your stones with colorful gems, And lay your foundations with sapphires. I will make your pinnacles of rubies, Your gates of crystal, And all your walls of precious stones. All your children shall be taught by the Lord, And great shall be the peace of your children. In righteousness you shall be established; You shall be far from oppression, for you shall not fear; And from terror, for it shall not come near you. Indeed they shall surely assemble, but not because of Me. Whoever assembles against you shall fall for your sake. "Behold, I have created the blacksmith Who blows the coals in the fire, Who brings forth an instrument for his work; And I have created the spoiler to destroy. No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, And their righteousness is from Me," Says the Lord. "

A perpetual covenant of peace. A never ending, unchanging, everlasting covenant of peace. That is the title of this chapter. Not a perpetual covenant that we will not suffer. A covenant that we will have peace.  The last verse says that "No weapon formed against you shall prosper, And every tongue which rises against you in judgment You shall condemn."

No weapon formed against you shall steal your peace when you are sealed with Christ! It said that "this is our heritage of the servants of the Lord." That word servants means worshippers. When I think of a worshipper I don't think of a fickle people that love God one day and reject Him the next. I think of people who, like in that song, know that their flesh is weak and seek to be chained to Christ so that they can't wander away from Him.

I found myself this morning with a very heavy heart. There is so much brokenness around me. I see it everywhere I go. So many hurting people around me. So much suffering.

My lovely and encouraging friend Renee' gave me this book a few weeks ago called "His Princess Warrior- Love letters for Strength from Your Lord." Every morning I read a love letter from my Heavenly Father and the prayer that goes with it. This morning's letter was a letter of encouragement to rebuild what is broken. That I shouldn't be overwhelmed by the brokenness I see around me. That like Nehemiah He has given me all that I need. I only need to put my hands to work. One stone at a time. He is the Master Builder and through Him peace can be brought.

Jesus promised us peace in Him, and He has given us the tools we need to show peace to all that is broken around us. He is our stone of help. He has equipped you. Seal your hearts to Him.
One stone at a time.

Lay Down Lover

Everyday after lunch the kids have quiet time/nap time. I wish I could say this time came around everyday with ease, but that is never the case. Instead I find myself constantly having to go into the girls room and telling them to take a nap, then walk over to Brandon's room and tell him to stop hitting the wall so the girls can sleep. It's a process that always takes at least an hour, maybe two. Eventually though, after tears, complaints, and fear of not getting a snack, they finally do what they are suppose to and I have an hour or so to myself again.

I would be lying if I told you I didn't enjoy this time.

And no, it's not because it's an hour of uninterrupted quality time with Pinterest.

[Although, that's always a fun time too!]

It's because God has a way of showing me something in the sweetest of ways.

I get excited because I can't wait to see what He has for me that day!

Last week, I decided to go on Youtube and look up Bethel. I didn't have a specific song I wanted to listen to or anything. I just wanted worship music. Steffany Frizzell has to be one of my favorites. So when I saw one that was her singing 'The More I Seek You + Spontaneous Worship' to say I was excited is an understatement. It was 19 minutes long and it was absolutely beautiful. I remember the presence of God just falling over me while I sat on the couch listening. It was such a sweet moment of intimacy with the Lord that brought me to tears. I just sat there in awe at the love of God.

His love really is so amazing.

At one point in the song, when she goes into spontaneous worship, she begins to sing that God can love us more in one moment than any other lover could in an entire lifetime! Wow! That's all I can really say about that. One moment. Every moment. He loves us like that in every moment we have.

I still find myself thinking on this and just thanking God for loving me this way.

Then she sings something else, something that I have not been able to stop thinking about.

Being a lay down lover.

"We're gonna go where no one has gone before,

 We're gonna do what no one has done before,

We will be your lay down lovers, We will be your lay down lovers"

What does that even mean?

After listening to it day after day I wondered if it was simply a cry to Jesus telling him that we would be a people that weren't afraid to go to the ends of the earth and be His hands and feet. That we would go wherever He called us to go and we would do whatever He called us to do.

And yes, that is important and I know that God desires for us to have a heart that is obedient and submissive to do His Will.

But, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I really felt that there was so much more to this that I wasn't seeing. That being a lay down lover was so much more than that. God has so many sides of His character. New things that He shows me about Himself and I knew that there was something else to be learned from this. Something else I needed to see.

 Have you ever seen that commercial advertising a car and there tagline is that "and is better than or." The point was that "and" was always more appealing. Like having a police officer who "protects and serves" is much better than one who "protects or serves." 

That was the missing puzzle piece! I finally understood! I kept thinking about it as "and." That I would go where God called me, do what He called me to do, and be His lay down lover. I never once thought that being His lay down lover was me going where no one else went and doing what no one else did. God is calling for a generation of believers who love Him with a pure and intimate love. Who lay down their lives in complete submission to Him to do His Will simply because they love Him. I believe that being a lay down lover is so out of our character. Our flesh doesn't want to lay down our desires. Our flesh cannot even love that way.It's so unlike who we are. That's what makes it so very beautiful. When you die to your flesh and lay down your life to your Heavenly Father.

 It's also why it's so rare. Why doing that is doing what no one else does.

 It's not easy. It's very hard. But oh, it is so worth it.

[John 15:9-17 NKJV]

"As the Father loved Me, I also have loved you; abide in My Love.

If you keep My commandments, you will abide in My love, just as I have kept My Father's commandments and abide in His love.

These things I have spoken to you, that My joy may remain in you, and that your joy may be full.

This is My commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you.

Greater love has no one than this, than to lay down one's life for his friends.

You are My friends if you do whatever I command you,

No longer do I call you servants, for a servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all things that I heard from My Father I have made known to you.

You did not choose Me, but I chose you and appointed you that you should go and bear fruit, and that your fruit should remain, that whatever you ask the Father in My name He may give you. These things I command you, that you love one another."

He has chosen you, appointed you. He has promised you fruit that will remain.

Abide in Him, abide in His love.

Become the lay down lover He is seeking.

True Dependence

I've always loved writing. Anyone who knows me well can testify to that. I enjoy it so much that when I was bored I used to rewrite my notes from school just so I could write something, anything. Weird I know, but we all have our quirks right? Yet even loving it that much I never thought I could write a blog. Me? I mean what could I possibly write that would even be remotely interesting? And so for years I just put that idea safely in the back of my mind. Tucked away never to be disturbed. Or so I thought anyway. Until last night when while talking to a friend about the wonderful things God is showing me and preparing me for she mentioned that I should write a blog about all the adventures God takes me on. And the beast[figuratively speaking of course] was unleashed. I went to sleep that night, slept like I usually do, which is off and on, woke up, and started my morning routine which includes a time to journal. God has been showing me a lot recently and so I have a lot to talk about. A lot of thoughts that I jot down so I don't forget [which I have a feeling my future, older self will appreciate one day] And it just clicked, I can do this! I have words that God has given me that I just can't keep to myself anymore! I have moments that I need to share! And thus begins my blog...

- - - - - - -

After living away from home for two years and then coming back, I knew it would be an interesting transition. Yet, I still wasn't completely prepared. I've always been surrounded by people, family or friends. My mom always said I was a social butterfly because I've never had a problem making friends. I always found this term funny. Sure, I have friends, lots in fact. But social and butterfly aren't exactly words I would have picked to describe my personality. I'm not exactly the most social person. I like quiet, and I like silence, and sometimes I like being by myself. And when I picture a butterfly, I just don't picture me. I don't really know what a butterfly's personality would be like if it was a human, but I just can't picture it would be like mine. I still spent most of my time in high school with other people though. I was always going to someone's house, church, etc. I still had time to myself but I always had access to social outings whenever I wanted it. Then move forward to when I moved out and went to Masters Commission. Boy was that a transition! I went from some time to myself to literally none! When you live with three other girls you aren't really ever alone. I remember times during my first year where I would sit in my car simply because I wanted to think without people around. Over time I got used to it though. I liked the fact that I could walk into my living room or go to the apartment next door and have girls who I could talk to and do life with. It became my new normal. It became comfortable. God never let's us stay comfortable for very long. Moving back home to Port Barre [the town with one stop light in the middle of nowhere] suddenly became foreign. All of my close friends and the people I spent the last two years with are thirty minutes away. In reality that's not very far but it felt like an eternity away. It became difficult to make plans. Everyone has different work schedules and gas is expensive and this and that. My dad travels a lot and so he isn't home very often, and my mom takes care of her mom, aunt, brother, etc. I found myself with an abundance of alone time that became overwhelming. I craved interaction with people. I babysit three kids ages 7, 6, and 4. Yikes! I know! And you can about imagine the conversations I have are not very deep. They usually involve things like "don't hit your sister" and "no you cannot put your mud pies in the fridge." I battled with feeling isolated and alone for several weeks. Cried out to God about so much and asked for wisdom and understanding and trust. Heaps and heaps of trust. And crazy of all crazy, God delivered!
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[Proverbs 3:13-18 NKJV]
"Happy is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding; For her proceeds are better than the profits of silver, And her gain than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, And all the things you may desire cannot compare with her. Length of days is in her right hand, In her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, And all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her, And happy are all who retain her.
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God gave me the wisdom and understanding I asked for and with that came the promise of peace, joy, and happiness. He showed my what dependency is.

Dependent
[adj.]contingent on or determined by
[noun] a person who relies on another, esp. a family member, for financial supper.

I find the first part interesting. Dependent- to be determined by. What was I determined by? The place I lived? The people I spent time with? The ministry I was apart of? How is it that we miss such a fundamental truth sometimes?  The only thing I should ever be determined by is Christ. It was convicting. I had to take time to repent. To ask God to help me be dependent[determined] only on Him. It says in Proverbs 16:9 that a man's heart plans his way, but The Lord directs [or determines] his steps. Yet sometimes we try and take the responsibility ourselves. And we fail. We always will. My good isn't anywhere near God's good. And to put my hope in my own ability is foolishness.
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[Psalm 62:5-8 GNT]
" I depend on God alone; I put my hope in Him. He alone protects and saves me; He is my defender, and I shall never be defeated. My salvation and honor depend on God; He is my strong protector; He is my shelter. Trust in God at all times, my people. Tell Him all your troubles, for He is our refuge."
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When you become completely dependent in God it brings about the purest of joy. I thought I had joy when I was with friends doing fun things, and that if I wasn't around that environment I wasn't really happy. I viewed my time alone as a curse when really it was the most beautiful of blessings. The deep and meaningful conversation I craved when watching those kids I found. Not in another person, but in My King. We share some pretty intimate conversations. The laughter I missed from time spent with friends God gives me, usually in some of the most simplest ways. I am not alone. I have my best friend with me wherever I go. I am not lacking. I am fulfilled. I have joy. Not because of people, but because of Jesus! How beautiful it is when God becomes enough! Be blessed!