Standing Speechless
Today, I am speechless.
And by speechless, I mean that I have about a million different things on my mind.
A million thoughts that I don't quite know how to articulate.
So, I will not try to. I will simply write what is burning in my heart.
Every thought and emotion I am feeling I will do my best to write in words.
And I pray that whoever reads this can be encouraged in some way, in whatever way you may need.
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[I would be lying if I said that the last few months have been a walk in the park. In reality, they have been very difficult. I do not regret this season though. The things God has done in me far outweighs the hard times this season has and is bringing me. I find myself continually asking God for an increase in trust and faith. It is not easy.]
[Looking back on my journal the past few weeks, I see myself asking God to be enough for me. I am realizing what a bold prayer that actually is. Everyday, He is faithful. Everyday, He becomes all that I need Him to be. He is my comforter, my peace, my counselor, my Father, and so much more. He has given me joy when I couldn't even see it near. He has given me strength when I didn't even have enough to get out of my bed. He has proven Himself to me over and over. Yet, I am still praying that He would be enough.]
[I knew it was going to be hard. I knew it wasn't natural. I am a dreamer. In every aspect of the word. Sometimes I find myself in "lala" land dreaming up ridiculous scenarios and trying to figure out how I would react if they actually came true. Sometimes I dream for things to happen and pray that God would make a mental note in case He later wanted to "make it reality for me." He already knows those dreams though. He knows the desires of my heart. He knows about the things I long for, the things I hope for. And, He knows how very painful it is for me to ask Him to take them all. To ask Him to accept my very longings as an offering.]
[I feel like an Indian giver. I give Him my desires and in the next moment I find myself crying for Him to give them back. Then I cry because I lacked the faith to believe that He would give me what I needed.]
[This past week, God keeps reminding me to stand on His promises. Easy right? No. Not at all. Not for me anyway. I know God has promised good things for me. I don't know what those good things are though. And if we are being honest, I am very scared to believe what some of those promises are. I am fearful of deceiving myself.]
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Notice how much of what I just wrote are all unfinished thoughts. Imagine that inside of your brain. That is exactly what I have been thinking on. God keeps telling me to stand. To stand firm in Him, and only Him. And, when I don't have the strength to stand, He reminds me that He will hold me up. He reminds me to stand on His promises. Even if I don't know what they are. When you stand on His promises, your hope is in Him. He tells me to stand for those who can't. And when I question how I can possibly do that for someone when I can't for myself, He shows me that as I hold them up he is carrying the majority of the weight.
There is so much that I do not know. So much that I don't understand. I can't begin to even try.
As I was driving home today after church and lunch with some friends, I simply didn't know what to say. I didn't understand why I was feeling certain things. I didn't understand really what emotions I was feeling. I was at a loss for words. And I cried. A lot. The only thing I could say was "Lord, I am speechless."I dont know what I am feeling. I don't know what I need. I don't have any beautiful words to pray to you. I don't understand this season entirely, I just know what you have done in me so far and that it is good. I don't know what your promises are. I am speechless."
God simply said "I know."
[Psalm 139:1 AMP]
"O Lord, you have searched me [thoroughly] and have known me."
So to whoever this post finds. Wherever you are. Whatever you are going through.
"Beloved Son/Daughter,
It is ok to not know it all. It is ok to not know what to say. I am with you in and through every season. Every tear and every laugh I have heard and memorized. Vulnerability with me is not only for when you understand your emotions. Sometimes vulnerability is simply telling me when you don't know. I have called you to stand firm in Me. I know you will not always have the strength to. But I am enough. I will hold you up when you can't stand any longer. I have called you to stand when you understand and when you don't. When you have words, and when you don't. Stand. And if you are speechless, then stand speechless.
Love,
Your King who knows."