Beautifully Broken

I talk a lot about vulnerability and the freedom it brings. So today, I will be vulnerable. Today I will share places in my heart that are special and painful. 

 

-----

 

All week God has been telling me to remember His faithfulness. To remember His promises. To not give up. I've wanted to! I knew I wouldn't but sometimes in the weariness when you just don't see how you have the strength to make it, it's all you feel you can do. 

 

On Wednesday I told myself I wasn't going to go to youth that night. Even if I got off early enough I had made up my mind that I was not going to go! Don't get me wrong I love youth. It wasn't because I was starting to fall away and didn't want to be at church or anything. I was just exhausted. I was weary. I was broken. And, frankly, I didn't want to put on a front of being ok when at that moment I wasn't. You see, the night before I was alone and just listening to music having a pretty good time by myself. Then a pain that was unlike anything hit me. It literally knocked me to the ground. I started gasping for air. I couldn't breathe. I cried so hard that I had a migraine, threw up, and got a sore throat. This lasted about two hours until I was so worn out that all I could do was go to sleep. So when I woke up Wednesday morning to swollen eyes and a numb face church was definitely not on my list of top places to go. Back to bed was where I wanted to be. 

 

About an hour after I woke up my friend Hannah texted me and told me she was going to youth that night. No matter how I'm feeling, if she says she will be there, I will do anything in my power to be there with her.  She has been a friend of mine since middle school and I love her so much. I know God has amazing things planned for her and I want to be a support to her in her walk with Christ. I told her I didn't know what time I would get off but that I would try my hardest to be there. And, I knew I would try. Despite my feelings I would do my absolute best. 

 

I got off of work early that day. With more than enough time to go home and get ready and head to church. When I got there I texted her that I was there and called her and there wasn't a response. She didn't show up. But, God did. The message was about God's faithfulness, broken seasons, and waiting. Everything that was said was what I needed to hear. Everything that was said was exactly what I am walking through. I cried the entire service. And, I literally mean the entire time. I got another headache because I cried so hard. On the way there I was telling God how tired I was, how much I just wanted to give up, only to hear it spoken over me several times to not give up. To go through the valley even if I have to crawl my way through. And, sometimes I will have to crawl through. 

 

God got my attention that night. He gave me the strength to get back up again. To embrace the hard moments as they come, because they will. This season is not over yet. Oh, but it will be one day

 

 

-----

 

Lord, renew me today, and during this time here, show me Your beauty. Bring me refreshment. Breathe into me. Let me feel your presence. Reveal yourself to me. God, be my strength. Walk me through. Don't let me linger. You are good and Holy. Show me reminders today. Don't let me forget. Embrace me like the tide embraces the shore. 

 

 

-----

 

That is what I wrote Friday morning in my journal as I sat on a balcony in Destin, Florida looking at the ocean. That was my prayer.

 

The beach is one of my absolute favorite places to be. I love the way the sand feels between my toes and I love the smell of the salt water. I can sit in one spot for hours and stare at the sea and its beauty never fails and the image never gets old. When I walked out on that balcony my first morning there I felt relief. Relief because I knew God was going to do something special for me. And, if I'm being honest, relief to be away from everything else. 

 

I walked to the beach that day and while my family sat behind me talking and my niece and nephew ran around playing, I stood off to the side, my feet the only thing in the water and just prayed. I did not move for a very long time. I was completely still and completely vulnerable. I asked God questions. I poured out my heart. I asked more questions. I marveled at the beauty of His creation. I thanked Him for His goodness, and then I left.

 

 

It was overcast that day (it was actually overcast the whole trip). And, at around four that afternoon it started to rain and it was incredibly windy. I went onto the balcony and sat on the ground. I watched the rain and the waves and knew God did that for me. I absolutely love the rain. It was beautiful and perfect. I remember asking God for a rainbow. I asked Him to reveal His promise to me. I was asking Him to renew my hope. Then I journaled again. 

 

----

 

...standing at the edge of the shore I find myself able to be vulnerable again. I hear Your still small voice whispering to me. Encouraging me. Reminding me of Your love. Whispering hope to me. It is raining now, and cold, and absolutely beautiful to me. Because I feel you. I see you in the storm. I see the beauty in it. God make this storm beautiful. Jesus breathe life and hope to me. Renew and refresh. Give me moments with you. More moments. As the water and shore never part, You never leave me. Give me more of you Jesus.

 

-----

 

At about that time the people in the condo below us started feeding the birds. So to my delight about 20 birds started flying right outside of my balcony. I love birds! I don't know what it is about them but they fascinate me. It doesn't matter what kind, I just find them all intriguing. I grabbed my phone to take some pictures and then thanked God again. He did that for me too. He gave me the ocean, he gave me rain, and he gave me birds. He was giving me moments. 

 

 

 

 

I forgot about the rainbow. I went inside and spent some time with my family. Then my sister Sarah walked in and said that we had to go see the sunset outside. That it was breathtaking. I walked outside and the first thing I saw wasn't the sunset but a rainbow. A rainbow just for me. A rainbow that was painted on one side of the sky with the sunset on the other side. It wasn't the most beautiful rainbow I've seen as far as the way it looked. What made it beautiful was the signature from God. The love letter that it was from Him telling me He loved me. That He hears me. That He is beside me. That even though my doubt causes me to question sometimes, He is faithful and He has promised. That I do know His voice and that I have heard from Him. It said that He was proud of me and that I am His beloved. 

 

 



I almost fell on the ground because I was so overwhelmed. I forgot that I even asked Him for it. He didn't forget. He remembers. He remembers my desires. He knows what I love. He knows how to speak to me. He knows my heart. 


-----


I don't talk about the pain I am experiencing so openly for sympathy (but if I happen to cross your mind, please pray for me). I talk about it for hope. I don't know what valley you are walking through. I don't know what battle you are fighting. All I know is that there is hope. I will not tell you that this season will end soon. I don't know when it will for me let alone you. I will not tell you that the pain will become more bearable, or lessen in intensity. I don't find that to be true for myself. I find that as time goes on sometimes the pain hits me at random, with great intensity. I do ,however, find that in those moments, my transparency with God has increased. My trust is becoming greater. He fills me up each time with what I need to get through. There is hope in Him who knows. Sometimes that is all I have to cling to. The knowledge that He knows. And, he does. He is faithful. He is so faithful. I tell you this because I understand. I understand what weary and tired feel like. I understand what brokenness looks like. I understand that sometimes you want to lie and rest. I understand that sometimes you feel like there is no fight left in you. God has not allowed me to give up. Each time I've wanted to, He moved in a way that leaves me with no doubt that He is with me. When I asked Him to carry me, He has held me tightly and walked me through. Don't give up. He is fighting for you. He is your hope. You may be broken, but He is making you beautiful. Beautifully Broken.

Believe Beloved.