True Dependence — adele pena

I've always loved writing. Anyone who knows me well can testify to that. I enjoy it so much that when I was bored I used to rewrite my notes from school just so I could write something, anything. Weird I know, but we all have our quirks right? Yet even loving it that much I never thought I could write a blog. Me? I mean what could I possibly write that would even be remotely interesting? And so for years I just put that idea safely in the back of my mind. Tucked away never to be disturbed. Or so I thought anyway. Until last night when while talking to a friend about the wonderful things God is showing me and preparing me for she mentioned that I should write a blog about all the adventures God takes me on. And the beast[figuratively speaking of course] was unleashed. I went to sleep that night, slept like I usually do, which is off and on, woke up, and started my morning routine which includes a time to journal. God has been showing me a lot recently and so I have a lot to talk about. A lot of thoughts that I jot down so I don't forget [which I have a feeling my future, older self will appreciate one day] And it just clicked, I can do this! I have words that God has given me that I just can't keep to myself anymore! I have moments that I need to share! And thus begins my blog...

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After living away from home for two years and then coming back, I knew it would be an interesting transition. Yet, I still wasn't completely prepared. I've always been surrounded by people, family or friends. My mom always said I was a social butterfly because I've never had a problem making friends. I always found this term funny. Sure, I have friends, lots in fact. But social and butterfly aren't exactly words I would have picked to describe my personality. I'm not exactly the most social person. I like quiet, and I like silence, and sometimes I like being by myself. And when I picture a butterfly, I just don't picture me. I don't really know what a butterfly's personality would be like if it was a human, but I just can't picture it would be like mine. I still spent most of my time in high school with other people though. I was always going to someone's house, church, etc. I still had time to myself but I always had access to social outings whenever I wanted it. Then move forward to when I moved out and went to Masters Commission. Boy was that a transition! I went from some time to myself to literally none! When you live with three other girls you aren't really ever alone. I remember times during my first year where I would sit in my car simply because I wanted to think without people around. Over time I got used to it though. I liked the fact that I could walk into my living room or go to the apartment next door and have girls who I could talk to and do life with. It became my new normal. It became comfortable. God never let's us stay comfortable for very long. Moving back home to Port Barre [the town with one stop light in the middle of nowhere] suddenly became foreign. All of my close friends and the people I spent the last two years with are thirty minutes away. In reality that's not very far but it felt like an eternity away. It became difficult to make plans. Everyone has different work schedules and gas is expensive and this and that. My dad travels a lot and so he isn't home very often, and my mom takes care of her mom, aunt, brother, etc. I found myself with an abundance of alone time that became overwhelming. I craved interaction with people. I babysit three kids ages 7, 6, and 4. Yikes! I know! And you can about imagine the conversations I have are not very deep. They usually involve things like "don't hit your sister" and "no you cannot put your mud pies in the fridge." I battled with feeling isolated and alone for several weeks. Cried out to God about so much and asked for wisdom and understanding and trust. Heaps and heaps of trust. And crazy of all crazy, God delivered!
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[Proverbs 3:13-18 NKJV]
"Happy is the man who finds wisdom, And the man who gains understanding; For her proceeds are better than the profits of silver, And her gain than fine gold. She is more precious than rubies, And all the things you may desire cannot compare with her. Length of days is in her right hand, In her left hand are riches and honor. Her ways are ways of pleasantness, And all her paths are peace. She is a tree of life to those who take hold of her, And happy are all who retain her.
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God gave me the wisdom and understanding I asked for and with that came the promise of peace, joy, and happiness. He showed my what dependency is.

Dependent
[adj.]contingent on or determined by
[noun] a person who relies on another, esp. a family member, for financial supper.

I find the first part interesting. Dependent- to be determined by. What was I determined by? The place I lived? The people I spent time with? The ministry I was apart of? How is it that we miss such a fundamental truth sometimes? The only thing I should ever be determined by is Christ. It was convicting. I had to take time to repent. To ask God to help me be dependent[determined] only on Him. It says in Proverbs 16:9 that a man's heart plans his way, but The Lord directs [or determines] his steps. Yet sometimes we try and take the responsibility ourselves. And we fail. We always will. My good isn't anywhere near God's good. And to put my hope in my own ability is foolishness.
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[Psalm 62:5-8 GNT]
" I depend on God alone; I put my hope in Him. He alone protects and saves me; He is my defender, and I shall never be defeated. My salvation and honor depend on God; He is my strong protector; He is my shelter. Trust in God at all times, my people. Tell Him all your troubles, for He is our refuge."
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When you become completely dependent in God it brings about the purest of joy. I thought I had joy when I was with friends doing fun things, and that if I wasn't around that environment I wasn't really happy. I viewed my time alone as a curse when really it was the most beautiful of blessings. The deep and meaningful conversation I craved when watching those kids I found. Not in another person, but in My King. We share some pretty intimate conversations. The laughter I missed from time spent with friends God gives me, usually in some of the most simplest ways. I am not alone. I have my best friend with me wherever I go. I am not lacking. I am fulfilled. I have joy. Not because of people, but because of Jesus! How beautiful it is when God becomes enough! Be blessed!