Wrestle

It’s been over fourteen years since God first gave me what has now become one of the most important lessons of how truly finite I am and how infinite He is.

It has been over eleven years since I first started this blog and shared that lesson here.

It’s been over four years since I last found myself sitting down with my laptop, with words trapped in my heart and this sense of urgency to get them out.

I am not the same person that I was fourteen, eleven, and four years ago. I’m prefacing with that because, of the people that will choose to click on the link to read this blog, the ones who truly know me is beyond few. And without knowing me, you cannot begin to know my heart.

My faith does not look the same as it did when I was a child. My faith does not look the same as it did when I was in bible college. My faith does not look the same as it did when I served in churches. My faith does not look the same as it did when I stopped attending churches. And while the trajectory of that points to a specific conclusion that I am sure many of you are thinking, I can assure you, it’s not what you think.

There is no one I love more in my heart than God. There is no one else that I will serve.

No man. No church. No ideology. No ministry. No book. No public figure. No friend. No family.

There is no one that can replace Him.

And I’m saying this for a very specific purpose. I want to make it abundantly clear where my allegiance lies. And that is fully in God’s Camp. In His Glory. In His Honor.

I have operated under a strict policy. I will not speak unless God tells me to, and only when He tells me too.

The past couple days I have had two things spinning in my mind and I have been trying to figure out how to verbalize the words into something palatable and easily digestible for my fellow believers. I’m not sure if I have figured out how to.

So this is the warning I’m giving. I’m ready to flip some tables.

My feeds over the past week, month, year even, has not only broken my heart but angered me.

And it’s not for why you think.

God is in control.

He is Sovereign.

Those are things we hear from a pulpit all the time. They are phrases we proclaim without a second thought.

But if I had to wager, I don’t think the majority of people are willing to confront following that belief to its very logical conclusion.

Which is that it truly means God is in Control of everything. Every. Thing.

That’s a difficult pill to swallow. I know. I’ve been wrestling with it for over a decade.


Does that mean God was in control when * insert tragedy of your choosing * happened?

Yes.

Does that mean God was in control when * insert blessing of your choosing * happened?

Yes.

God is not someone that things happen to. He is not taking a smoke break when tragedy ensues. The devil didn’t “one up” Him and sneak a tragedy past Him.

He wasn’t looking the other way.

He was in the trenches. He was staring the pain in the eyes.

He signed off on it.

We only want to praise Him when it’s good. We never give Him the glory when it’s ugly.

I can hear you now. “We shouldn’t be blaming God just because bad things happen”

This isn’t blame. Its honor. Its respecting that I am not God. That I do not have the full story and I do not see the full plan. It’s true belief that He is Sovereign. And it’s firmly mounted on the foundation that above all, I know He is good.

It’s hard. I know it is. To wrestle with knowing fully that He is good when there is pain and suffering. I can’t begin to tell you how many years and tears I have spent wresting with knowing His kindness. Too much for me to even begin to try and verbalize here.

But the conclusion of all of those years is that I can confidently say, He is good. And if you can’t say you fully believe that yet, then I think that’s where you should start. I think you should get in the boxing ring with God and fight it out. I think you should ask the hard questions. I think you should wrestle.

But if you have done that wrestling and you know He is good, then don’t do Him the disrespect of not honoring Him in the things you don’t like. It’s naive at best and hypocritical at worst. Don’t shout that God is in control of everything while simultaneously giving credit to people for the good happening from an outcome and pointing fingers at others for the bad.

God should be getting the credit for it all. He is an active participant in our lives. All of our lives.

I know this feels hard to grasp. There is so much violence in the world. We have been hearing about it not only just the past couple weeks but everyday.

1.8 people die every second globally.

Today, there were about 153,000 people that have died.

This past year, there were about 56 million people that have died.

And that doesn’t even touch on the people that are currently living and enduring violence, injustice, disease and poverty.

It is an extremely broken world. I know. And the weight of that can feel so heavy.

I started this post saying that fourteen years ago God gave me some insight into my own limits. I wrote about that very lesson on this blog in 2013.

If I were to measure the capacity in which I could feel any emotion - anger, joy, sadness, grief - it would be one grain of sand.

If I were to compare that to God, who is infinite, it would be more than every grain of sand in the entire universe.

Humans aren’t built to process infinite suffering. If we attempted to spread our attention across every injustice equally, not only would we effectively dilute our ability to be of any help anywhere, but we would quite literally be crushed under the weight of it.

Yet God not only feels everything in a way that we can not even conceptualize, but He also is the only one who truly can and will redeem it all.

If we say we trust God fully, then we have to trust Him when it’s hard to understand. And if we don’t know how to do that, then start with being honest about it.

I can tell you in the last decade of me chasing intimacy with God this is what I have learned.

Be honest. Brutally honest. Always.

When it’s hard, when it’s ugly, when it’s messy, and when it’s vulgar.

I truly don’t think we as followers of Christ can fully grasp and truly understand the magnitude of knowing He is fully in control if we first aren’t willing to admit when that very belief is hard to understand.

If we can’t wrestle with the not knowing, the questions, the pain, the suffering, then I don’t ever think we can experience true intimacy with Him.

So I guess this is my final challenge.

Get in the ring with Him. Fight it out it out with Him

Throw your questions at Him. Give him brutal, vulgar honesty.

His shoulders are broad and strong enough to face the weight of your questions.

And if I had to wager a guess on where the wrestling match will end, it’ll be with you knowing less but loving Him more.

Because you’ll learn that there is peace in the unknowing when it’s coupled with the assurance that He is good.

So wrestle.

















Beneath the Surface

So i just got back from an Alaskan cruise (amazing) late last night. Yesterday felt long and never ending. My first flight was delayed and by the time I finally got off the plane I had about ten minutes to run my short legs to a different terminal to catch my connecting flight home. I made it, just in time to find out that this flight would be delayed as well. I could have been frustrated I guess. Frustrated that I wouldn’t make it home until almost 11pm and I was only operating on two hours of sleep. Frustrated that my book sac basically weighed a ton and my back was hurting, or that the last flight was a little rough and I got motion sickness. I wasn’t frustrated though, I was actually pretty content. I sat down and watched the people around me. A little boy crying because he was about to get on his very first flight and he was scared. A couple guys hoping there would be room for them get on this next flight. A guy taking selfies (pretty entertaining to watch btw), and two women yelling in frustration at an employee because things weren’t going their way while two women before them called her incompetent and that they would find someone else who could actually help them. I thought back to a conversation I had with my brother earlier that week while we were staring at the ocean. 

 

He said it’s amazing how when we look at the ocean, we just see this seemingly never ending body of water and that’s it. But, below the surface of that water is this whole other world. There is life and death, homes and families, friends and enemies, love and loss, all separated from us by this surface that we can’t see past. There is so much going on that we don’t notice, or understand, simply because we don’t see it. How true is that for ourselves and the people we interact with. Who knows what the two women that were frustrated at the employee had to deal with that day, or week, or past year, or how many people yelled and cursed out the employee for not being able to help them the way they wanted. I think if we just all operated with the grace and compassion we ask other people to extend to us life would be so much more peaceful. 

 

It was a good reminder to me to love people simply because that’s what God has told me to do. My sight can only get me so far and even then it never tells the whole story. How lovely that the worth of a person extends past the surface beyond what we see. How beautiful that God sees and knows and doesn’t miss a thing. I think I’d like to be able to see more like that. 

Tornado Relief

Today at work, we went to LaPlace to help a church that had severe damage due to tornadoes from earlier this week. There was water everywhere, ceiling tile soaked on the ground, and debris littered all over. 

It's quite a humbling experience seeing all of this mess around you and being able to in some small way lend a hand. Even if it's just to shovel tiles off the floor. I am incredibly proud of our YouthBuild students who worked so hard today and their willingness to serve their community. 


Below are a few shots taken during our breaks. 

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

1,479 Miles

1,479 miles.

That’s how far I am moving. 

Yes, I am moving…to Arizona.

When I was eight my dad had a job transfer and we moved to Pearland, Texas. While I remember being a little sad, I was young and adjusted quickly. 

When I was eleven, we moved back to Louisiana to the small town of Port Barre where I graduated high school. I took this move a little harder than the first, but I still adjusted well and learned to grow comfortable there and call it home. 

When I was eighteen, I moved to Lafayette for school. While it was strange at first not living at home anymore, I was only thirty minutes away from friends and family. Still incredibly close to comfort. 

When I was twenty, I went to Romania for three months as a missionary intern.  My time in Romania had its difficult moments being away from everything I was use to, but I knew that I would come back. I knew it wasn’t a permanent thing. 

When I was twenty-one, after I returned from Romania, I moved two hours away to Mandeville. Two hours is not very far in the grand scheme of things. 

Later that year, I left for France for three months as a nanny. I didn’t know when I left if France would be something that could eventually turn into a longer stay. I did know though that regardless of if I choose to continue my time there, I would still be back after the first initial three months. As it turns out though, God only wanted me there for that short time. 

So, when I got back, I moved back to Mandeville and then thirty minutes away to Hammond where I have been for a little over a year. 

 

Until now. 

In the beginning of January, my oldest brother called me with an offer to move down and focus on going back to school. It was something he had prayed about before even presenting it to me. 

So I prayed, and God told me to go. 

So since then, I have slowly began planning everything out.

 

Do I think that the only reason I am moving is to go back to school?

No, not at all.

 

Will I miss everything and everyone here?

Absolutely.

 

But, I want to be where God wants me to be. Even if I don’t know why He wants me there.

This time I don’t have any knowledge at all of what to expect. I don’t know how long I’ll be there. I don’t know if I’m coming back one day. 

That’s a different feeling for me. 

But, I trust God.

 

So with that being said, at the end of April I will be getting in my car and driving 1,479 miles to Gilbert, Arizona. 

 

To my next adventure.

 

Nature Walk

The idea of keeping up a nature journal has always been an appealing idea to me. 

Sadly, I always forget to actually do it. 

Today was no different. 

At work today, we took our students to Tickfaw State Park for a nature walk.

It was a nice change from my normal work day.

The objective was to have our students learn to enjoy nature and to observe their surrounding.

It was a great reminder for me as well. To actually take the time to stop and really see what's around me and appreciate all that God has created in my own backyard. 

So while I forgot to bring a journal with me, I did bring my phone to take pictures. 


Durante Bene Placito Regis

As I was tidying up around my apartment this afternoon my mind was everywhere. I was thinking about all of the different posts I was seeing online concerning the recent attacks across the world, the Syrian refugees, what that looks like for our country, and the countless opinions of others.

 I'm not one to always say my thoughts about different current events happening or to share my opinion and feelings on the matter so that everyone knows, but I would like to share something tonight. 

 

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At the pleasure of the king.

This is what popped into my head earlier this afternoon. 

I didn't quite understand how this phrase would just randomly be on my mind, but I had a feeling that there was a lesson for me there. So I have been chewing on this phrase for the past few hours now trying to understand it. 

 

Durante Bene Placito Regis

Latin for "during the pleasure of the king, or during the King's favor."

It means that no one could hold an official position against his (the Kings) will. 

 

 

This notion of power has existed for quite some time now. We have seen it in the early 13th century. We see it today. 

 

In the United States, it's called "at the pleasure of the President."

In the United Kingdom, it's called "at the pleasure of the Queen."

 

It's all around. This power of control. The dedicated service of oneself to another at their discretion. At their pleasure. 

 

Politically speaking, this "pleasure idea" means control. It means the authority of one individual. 

 

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As I am beginning to process and translate what this phrase means to me personally I realize now, more than ever, that I should always strive to serve at the pleasure of the King. 

My King. Jesus Christ. 

I will never hold a position against His will. 

I will never have sole authority. 

And that's the way it should be. 

As God wills, so it will be. 

It will not be thwarted. 

 

God continues to drive home the point to me that He is in control and He is Sovereign. 

He is the same God yesterday, today, and forever. That's not just a saying we hear in church. It's truth. And I think it's time that we as a community of believers remember that. 

 

 

So, in spite of everything happening around me, I choose to serve at the pleasure of the King. 

I chose to stand by His will and not try to overthrow it. I chose to believe that He is ultimately in control of everything.  I chose to trust in Him.

 I chose to speak when He tells me to speak. I chose to stay silent when He tells me to stay silent. 

I chose to give when He tells me to give. I chose to withhold when He tells me to withhold. 

I chose to stay when He tells me to stay. I chose to go when He tells me to go. 

I chose to not be afraid. I chose to have hope in Him. 

France Bound

God is always moving. Always shifting things. Even when we think God is taking us back a step, He is really only preparing and making a way so that we can walk into the next thing. 

And my next thing, is France. 

 

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I went on vacation with my family a couple weeks ago and after the vacation, I left questioning if maybe I was suppose to move back to Lafayette. It came suddenly and out of nowhere. I was confused because I didn't know if it was God leading me back there or if maybe it was just emotions and the fact that I missed seeing my friends and family often. I knew I needed to really pray about it and seek the Lord before I made a decision because I didn't want it to be based off of emotion or comfort. I wanted to be where God wanted me to be. 

I drove back into town last Tuesday for a friends birthday and so I knew I would be busy all day and wouldn't really have much time alone. I decided that I would set aside the Wednesday to pray and really spend some time with the Lord seeking direction. I asked that God would send me direction in the form of an email, call, or text that would lead me exactly where He wanted me to be. That Wednesday morning I got a call from my sister-in-law Sarah. I stared at the phone a good minute before answering, debating if I wanted to answer. Not because I didn't want to talk to her or anything, but because I get calls from Sarah pretty often but they are usually accidental calls. I'll answer and all I will hear is Sarah talking in the background completely oblivious to me on the line. So sometimes I just let it go to voicemail. That morning however, I decided to answer, even though I really thought it was just another accidental call. She answered back right away when I said hello and told me that she just got off the phone with her friend who lives in France and said that she really needed a nanny and she had mentioned me. She said she didn't know if this is something I would even be interested in but she wanted to call and let me know. I was completely shocked but there was also an incredible peace that I felt the minute she said it. I told her I was definitely interested and had actually prayed that God would have someone call me today about where I should go. I told her that I was going to go pray and get back to her about it. I got dressed and went to the lakefront. 

I prayed. I read. I listened. 

And, I felt peaceful. 

 

I called my sister back telling her that she could go ahead and send my number to her friend, Autumn.

Several calls later, everyone had prayed about it and I got the ok to go. All that was next was me coming up with the money to purchase a plane ticket. I couldn't afford one and my parents couldn't afford to help me pay for one either. It was completely in God's hands. If He was leading me to France, I needed Him to provide to funds to get there. Within 72 hours I had all of the money I needed to buy a round trip ticket. God came through in a way that completely blew my mind. 

 

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I really expected that God would direct me between either staying here in Mandeville or moving back to Lafayette. Never in a million years did I think He would lead me back overseas, especially to France. But, God continues to amaze me. I've been thinking a lot about this and I feel incredibly blessed. I remember growing up telling everyone that I was going to see the world. It's always been a desire of mine. I remember at the beginning of this year God telling me this was going to be an amazing year for me filled with growth and fulfilled promises. And, I'm so thankful that He keeps His promises. 

 

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I will be leaving Tuesday, September 30 and I will arrive in France on Wednesday morning.

I will be staying in the Champagne region of France, about 2 hours outside of Paris. 

I will be living on a YWAM base while there. 

 

I ask that you please partner with me in prayer as I step into this next season. Pray for me and my travels there, as I will be traveling alone. Pray for me that I will grow even more with the Lord and that I continue to learn dependency in Him. Pray for the family that I will be nannying for, that blessings are poured over them. Pray for YWAM and the ministry they are doing there. Pray for my friends and family I am leaving here, that peace would fill them. Pray for the church family I am leaving behind, that God continues to grow and bless them. Let's pray that we as Christ followers are always obedient to God's leading and willing to go wherever He takes us. 

My Bell's Palsy Experience

Saturday, August 16, 2014

I wake up pretty late that morning. I had a late night before and didn't get to bed until around 2/3 in the morning. I go downstairs and fix a bagel and as I'm chewing I realize that it kind of feels weird to eat. Instead of worrying about it I just let it go and then go upstairs to brush my teeth which turned out to be extremely difficult. I come to the conclusion that half of my lip is numb. So I do what every person does when they have strange symptoms...I googled it. As I'm reading the many different things it could be I decided the internet was probably not the best place to look. I mean really, one more scroll down and it would have told me I had 3 days to live. I decided I would call my brother and see if he had any ideas or has woken up with that before. He said maybe I just slept on my lip wrong, kind of like when you fall asleep on your arm and then you wake up and its numb. Maybe I was so tired that I passed out on the right side of my face and it just was numb from sleep. In my mind, in that moment, I thought that made perfect sense. As I think back on it now, I just laugh at how easily I accepted that as what was wrong. 

As the day went on things started getting worse. I was noticing how irritated my eye was feeling and that it was kind of in pain. I was out shopping with my roommate and while in the dressing room I smiled and noticed that half of my face didn't move, at all. I took a picture of me trying to smile and sent it to my brother. He called me back and agreed that something was probably going on and offered to take me to urgent care just to get it checked out. All of the urgent cares happened to be closed at the time though so he took me to the emergency room instead. I was there for about 5 hours. 

Right when I got there and explained my symptoms they told me is was more than likely Bell's Palsy. After running an MRI and CT Scan, it was confirmed that nothing else was wrong and this is what it was. They prescribed an anti-viral medication and a corticosteroid and sent me on my way. Thus began my three weeks of living with Bell's Palsy. 

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For those of you who don't know, Bell's Palsy is a form of facial paralysis resulting from a dysfunctional cranial nerve VII causing an inability to control facial muscles on the affected side. Bell's Palsy is diagnosed by process of elimination. There are several other things that can cause facial paralysis such as a brain tumor, stroke, or Lyme disease, so once these are ruled out Bell's Palsy is what is diagnosed. It is rapid and usually occurs overnight. There is no specific cause for how one gets it. It could be from a virus, or head trauma, or probably many other things. Most people will start to regain control of the muscles by three weeks, medicated or not, but for some people they have to wait 6 months before they have completely regained full control. And, in some rare cases, it never returns to normal. You just never know. Thankfully, mine was a very mild case and in three and a half weeks, everything was back to normal with no signs of it left. 

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Bell's Palsy isn't fun. Not in the slightest. Aside from the fact that half of my face is drooping and I can't smile, there are so many side effects with it that make it hard. 

Because I couldn't control my facial muscles on the right side of my face, this meant that my right eye could not blink. This is not good for your eye at all. As the day progresses your eye gets dried out and irritated. If you don't take certain precautions this could, in time, permanently damage that eye. So to protect it I had to tape my eye shut at night and manually blink it throughout the day. I also invested in an eye patch, and yes, I actually wore that baby in public. (Good thing I love pirates so much, I got to temporarily be one!) Because the eye was irritated, it made driving incredibly difficult for me, especially at night. My eye would try and close but because it lacked the ability to blink or close by itself, if I tried to close that eye, both of my eyes would close, and you know, I kind of need at least one eye on the road. It was also super sensitive to feeling. So if any kind of air, like the air conditioner in my car blew into that eye, it just dried it out even more. Honestly, dealing with my eye was the worst part of this whole thing and there were a few times I contemplated gouging it out myself. 

There was also lots of pain and discomfort in other parts of my face. For one, I would get severe headaches everyday. They usually would come in the afternoon and late at night. Also there would be a lot of discomfort in my jaw on the affected side and it felt really tight and hard to open my mouth. 

There was hypersensitivity to sound in my ear on the affected side. Noises that I was use to hearing before became unbearable and nearly brought me to tears. I had to wear ear plugs to play worship and sometimes even the own sound of my voice was too much. 

I got car sick much quicker during my time with Bell's Palsy and felt physically drained and exhausted after being in a car even for a short amount of time. 

Eating and drinking. Man was that a party. There was literally no easy way to do that, at all. I tried using straws thinking it would make things easier, um no, all that accomplished was me making weird noises and some how sucking half of my lip. And just drinking from a bottle was difficult too because I got water everywhere but my mouth. I eventually found a bottle in my apartment that I could squirt the water into my mouth with. That became my best friend, and I had no shame sporting it around for 3 weeks even though it was Hello Kitty. And eating, anytime I chewed, I also chewed my lip as well. And I couldn't really chew on my right side because the muscles on that side of my face were not strong enough to swallow the food. 

There were a few times where I choked trying to take my medicine because I couldn't get it down. 

And, brushing my teeth. That was just sad. Oh I made sure my teeth were cleaned, but usually my chin and the rest of my face got some of it too. The toothpaste just fell out of the right side of my face like a waterfall. And then trying to rinse your mouth and spit was fun. I couldn't properly spit so it kind of just dripped out of my mouth, real slowly I might add. But, I'm not going to lie and say it wasn't amusing. I definitely laughed at myself a few times. 

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So you see, it wasn't a fun time in the sense of all of the symptoms I had to deal with. But, I'm incredibly thankful for a God who brings me through things that ultimately bring me closer to Him and teach me more about Him.  That week before I was diagnosed I was praying to God and asking him to lead me where He wanted me. I was very stressed and not at all at peace with the job I was working at and I asked Him to take me out of it if that wasn't what He had for me, and that if it was, He would work in my heart and change my perspective. Two days after I was diagnosed and left the hospital I was let go. I wasn't really upset about it either, because I asked God to take me out if that's not the place I needed to be, and He did that. Maybe not the way I thought He would but God's ways are much higher than mine. I decided after that to focus on getting better. So for three weeks I took things slow, rested up, and gave my body time to heal. I was also able to go on vacation with my family. During these weeks, God was able to speak to me about things in my heart that I needed to deal with. Pruning isn't always easy, but it is definitely necessary. There were things I thought that I had dealt with that were still lingering in the depths of my heart. I also learned a lot about my own trust in God and His sovereignty. I asked the Lord before all of this to teach me about His sovereignty and that I would grow in intimacy with Him. I remember telling God that I wanted to know Him in a way that was unlike anything I have ever known before. I wanted to know Him based on who He says He is and not based on who other people have told me He is. I wanted first hand revelation of Christ. I had to reach a point in those weeks that I accepted that even if it never went away, even if I had to deal with having Bell's Palsy, or some essence of it, I was more blessed because of it. This wasn't because of a lack of faith and trust that my God is a healer who can heal me of anything, but an understanding that God is Sovereign, He is good, and His hearts desire is to bring me into intimate relationship with Him. Whatever that takes. I knew when I prayed to know God differently and to understand how sovereign He was that it could be considered a dangerous prayer. I didn't ask God to show me those things until I knew that I really wanted to know. He continues to bring me through new seasons. New processes. Growing in dependence and trust. And, I'm thankful for that.

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[I can now say though, that I am completely better and there are no lingering signs of Bell's Palsy. God gets the glory for that! I definitely don't miss dealing with it, but I also don't regret going through it, and the things I learned, and the time I got to spend with Jesus.]

And, here is my pirate picture

In the Now

[Ecclesiastes 5:18-20 MSG]

After looking at the way things are on this earth, here’s what I’ve decided is the best way to live: Take care of yourself, have a good time, and make the most of whatever job you have for as long as God gives you life. And that’s about it. That’s the human lot. Yes, we should make the most of what God gives, both the bounty and the capacity to enjoy it, accepting what’s given and delighting in the work. It’s God’s gift! God deals out joy in the present, the now. It’s useless to brood over how long we might live.

 

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I realized this morning that this is the first time in my life that I'm truly having to live in the now. The first time in my life that I'm not counting down to something else, some milestone or new thing. And, I realize how much that scares me. I have a job now and started working. I am a nanny, and also the house cleaner. This week was my first week with the girls. They just moved down from Illinois. It's also been a roller coaster of emotions. The first day I got home after work and just cried because I was so stressed out and confused. I woke up the next morning still stressed out which only got worse when I couldn't find my keys. Very upset I finally found them and then cried because that whole ordeal. As the day went on though, I became more peaceful. I had a talk with my boss which helped because we were able to talk through a few miscommunications that had me worried. Now I'm at a place where I am peaceful about this job and feel like I can do it but also scared that I will be here longer than I would like. I've been a nanny before, and I have worked with kids my entire life, but this isn't something I want to do for my whole life. My heart is worship and ministry and I hope to one day find myself working for a church. 

 

So, this morning, as I was washing dishes, it hit me that I'm finally living completely in the present with nothing to look to in the future because I have no idea what my future holds. I mean, really, there has always been something to count down too. You count down to when you will finally be in high school, to when you can finally drive. I counted down to graduating high school. Then to when I started Masters Commission. While in XMC, I counted down to when I would graduate my first year. Then I looked to when I would start my second year and then eventually graduate and get my bachelors degree. I counted down to when I would leave to go to Romania, and then in Romania, I counted down to when I would be back home. There has always been something. 

 

I have an apartment, I have a job, and I have bills. Don't misunderstand me, I know there is a purpose in all of that. I'm thankful that I have these things. And, as scary as it is to me, I'm thankful for this season. I'm thankful because I know that it's in seasons like this, where I'm a little uncomfortable and a little scared, that I grow. It's during these times that I must depend completely on God and trust him to be everything that I need. 

 

So, I'm learning to live in the today. More so than ever before. There is a saying that wherever you are, be all there. I'm getting to relearn this and apply it. I don't know how long God will have me here and I don't know what to expect as far as my future goes. But, I know that God has me here for a reason. And, I know that He is with me. 

 

Live life where God has you and make the most of your time there. 

 

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[Psalm 118:24 AMP]

This is the day which the Lord has brought about; we will rejoice and be glad in it. 

Gentle Strength

The other day I was looking through some of my old journals from last summer and inside of one of them I found a list of words. These words were all words that I had written down that I desired to be. All things that I wanted my character to embody. I decided then that I would go through every single word and take time to study each one and see what God showed me about it and how I could use it in my life. The first word on my list was gentle. No surprise there considering gentleness is something that I have been praying about for over a year now. Even though I have studied up on gentleness, before I decided to do it again and see what else there was to learn about it. 

 

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[Matthew 11:29]

"Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, 

for I am gentle and lowly in heart, 

and you will find rest for you souls."

 

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After reading this, I determined that gentleness is a characteristic of who God is. Obviously I knew this already, but this time it really hit me. There are so many characteristics of God. He is so many things. And, gentle is one of them. I want to be like Christ. I want to be gentle. 

 

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[Philippians 2:5-11]

"Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross. Therefore God also has highly exalted Him and given Him the name which is above every name, that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of those in heaven and of those on earth, and of those under the earth, and that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father."

 

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What I have found in reading these verses is the strength that gentleness possesses. We often confuse gentleness as weakness. This isn't true. It is mighty and powerful. It is in God's gentleness that I find rest. It is in His rest that I find peace. By nature, I am a restless person. Not only physically, as far as my sleeping habits go, but also mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I exhaust myself over and over again. It takes true strength for me to find rest. It takes God's gentle heart. 

 

In Matthew 11:29, God said to take His yoke upon us. A yoke is a wooden bar of frame that joins two animals, like oxen or horses, so that they can pull a wagon, plow, etc. together. Here it is used figuratively of the restrictions that a teacher or rabbi would place on his followers. The word take here means to elevate or uplift from the ground. I am to take God's Spirit, His gentleness, and be that.

 

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I wanted to do this study because I wanted to be able to apply it in my day to day life. 

There are so many restless people around me. So many people who lack peace. 

If I find my rest and peach through God's gentle and humble heart, then I want to be that for those God has surrounded me with. It will take strength. It will take me dying to my flesh. It will take me being humble and being a servant. Gentleness is not weakness. It takes strength to look past yourself and your own desires and put someone else first. It is beautiful. It is sweet. It is strong. 

 

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[Zechariah 9:9]

"Rejoice greatly, O daughter of Zion! Shout O daughter of Jerusalem! 

Behold, your king is coming to you; He is just and having salvation, 

lowly and riding on a donkey,.."

 

Trusting during Uncertainty

I've been back in the states for three weeks now. In this time, there have been some major transitions in my life. Not only getting used to living in America again but also moving and finding a new church and job hunting. It all happened incredibly fast and though I was and still am peaceful about the move I still find myself wondering what I am doing. I am still looking for a job and that in itself can be stressful and a little frightening. One of the reasons I decided to make the move was because I applied for a job at a church. I had my interview earlier this week and I have been going over it again and again in my head. I believe with everything in me that this move was God ordained and that this season here will be good. I don't however know if the job I applied for is the one God has for me. I know that I am in a place where I am having to completely trust that whatever God is doing is good and that He will lead me where I need to go, and where I need to work. The more I think about my interview I keep going over the questions I was asked and my answers given. Regardless of if this is the job I'm suppose to get, which quite honestly, I'm not sure, I know that God used that interview to reaffirm some desires in my heart and remind me that He truly has called me to that. I answered worship as my passion, as my desire, as the area God has gifted me in and called me too. I would try and think of maybe some other answer but I couldn't, because it has and always will be worship that drives me. I left the interview a little confused because the more I tried to think about how I could be used in this particular job in a certain area of ministry all I could think about is how I could get involved in worship instead. Then I felt a little scared because I need a job and I just moved away from my home and well, here I am. Each day though, I feel God's peace over me and Him remind me to trust Him. That He is using everything, absolutely everything, to lead me into His perfect purpose for me. If that means He used an interview to reaffirm and redirect my passion and purpose, then Praise God! If that means He used a time of uncertainty to grow my trust and faith, Praise God! I was told this past Sunday at church to not despise the preparation because it is where my purpose is found. This is an unusual season of preparation for me. It is unlike any other process that I have found myself in. But, it is good, it is intentional, and it's leading me to a purpose far greater than anything I could have imagined. 

Trust God, even when everything around you in uncertain, He never is. 

The Glory of God

[Exodus 33:18]

And he said, "Please, show me your glory."

 

That is where I found myself this morning during prayer. Desiring to go deeper with The Lord and asking for a greater awareness of His Presence and anointing. A greater awareness of His glory. 

 

God came through. 

 

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As I was standing, facing the wall, praying, I asked God to take me deeper. Not long after I found it incredibly difficult to stay standing. I grabbed the table on the side of me to steady myself because I kept swaying back and forth. So I decided to sit on the floor. While sitting I continued to pray and I asked God to let His Spirit pour over me. To completely overtake me. I sat for a few moments silent just resting in Him and then I began to repeat the name of Jesus over and over again. Every time I said His name I would feel my body lean backwards towards the ground as if I was about to lay down. When I stopped saying His name I would use the little strength and energy I had to lift my body upright again. This process lasted about three times. I felt completely overwhelmed by His Spirit. The name of Jesus is so powerful, and all I could think about was the fact that Jesus, holy Jesus, whose name itself brings me to the ground because of how powerful it is, still chose to die on a cross for me. Prayer ended not long after that and as I was able to share a little bit about what happened to the students here, I haven't been able to stop thinking about it and trying to understand exactly what happened. 

 

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[Numbers 20:6]

"So Moses and Aaron went from the presence of the assembly to the door of the tabernacle of meeting, and they fell on their faces. And the glory of The Lord appeared to them."

 

God's glory is amazing. It's breathtaking. It's captivating. It's mighty. And, it brought me to the floor. 

All day I have been reading up on people who experienced God's glory and reading accounts of those who have had the Spirit of The Lord come upon them. What I have gathered through everything I have read is how big and mighty and powerful the Glory of a God is. In Exodus 24, it describes God's glory as a consuming fire. That's pretty intense. 

 

[Exodus 33:7-23]

"Moses took his tent and pitched it outside the camp, far from the camp, and called it the tabernacle of meeting. And it came to pass that everyone who sought the Lord went out to the tabernacle of meeting which was outside the camp. So it was, whenever Moses went out to the tabernacle, that all the people rose, and each man stood at his tent door and watched Moses until he had gone into the tabernacle. And it came to pass, when Moses entered the tabernacle, that the pillar of cloud descended and stood at the door of the tabernacle, and the Lord talked with Moses. All the people saw the pillar of cloud standing at the tabernacle door, and all the people rose and worshiped, each man in his tent door. So the Lord spoke to Moses face to face, as a man speaks to his friend. And he would return to the camp, but his servant Joshua the son of Nun, a young man, did not depart from the tabernacle. Then Moses said to the Lord, “See, You say to me, ‘Bring up this people.’ But You have not let me know whom You will send with me. Yet You have said, ‘I know you by name, and you have also found grace in My sight.’ Now therefore, I pray, if I have found grace in Your sight, show me now Your way, that I may know You and that I may find grace in Your sight. And consider that this nation is Your people.” And He said, “My Presence will go with you, and I will give you rest.” Then he said to Him, “If Your Presence does not go with us, do not bring us up from here. For how then will it be known that Your people and I have found grace in Your sight, except You go with us? So we shall be separate, Your people and I, from all the people who are upon the face of the earth.” So the Lord said to Moses, “I will also do this thing that you have spoken; for you have found grace in My sight, and I know you by name.” And he said, “Please, show me Your glory.” Then He said, “I will make all My goodness pass before you, and I will proclaim the name of the Lord before you. I will be gracious to whom I will be gracious, and I will have compassion on whom I will have compassion.” But He said, “You cannot see My face; for no man shall see Me, and live.” And the Lord said, “Here is a place by Me, and you shall stand on the rock. So it shall be, while My glory passes by, that I will put you in the cleft of the rock, and will cover you with My hand while I pass by. Then I will take away My hand, and you shall see My back; but My face shall not be seen.” 

 

God's glory is so powerful that we cannot even see it and live. He had to hide Moses in the cleft of a rock and cover Him with His hand as His glory passed over Him. That's incredible and it completely blows my mind. The fact that God would even show me a portion of that glory creates nothing less than a desire to worship Him. What is even more amazing is that the way in which God reveals His glory to His people is not always the same way. Sometimes it's a physical thing like bringing me to the ground, but sometimes it's just an unexplainable joy that comes over you. Regardless of how, you will always know. Gods glory is mighty and when His Presence falls you will know. 

 

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[Ephesians 1:17-21]

"Therefore I also, after I heard of your faith in the Lord Jesus and your love for all the saints, do not cease to give thanks for you, making mention of you in my prayers: that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give to you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of Him, the eyes of your understanding being enlightened; that you may know what is the hope of His calling, what are the riches of the glory of His inheritance in the saints, and what is the exceeding greatness of His power toward us who believe, according to the working of His mighty power which He worked in Christ when He raised Him from the dead and seated Him at His right hand in the heavenly places, far above all principality and power and might and dominion, and every name that is named, not only in this age but also in that which is to come." 

 

Seek revelations about the Glory of The Lord. As you grow in knowledge of who He is, you can't help but fall in love with Him. 

God is glorious and He deserves to be glorified. 

Perspective vs. Reality

I seem to talk about perspective a lot. It's something that I am constantly finding myself having to work on. Our flesh is constantly at war with all things spiritual and having a Godly perspective isn't something that I will one day have mastered never having to work at it again. It's a daily fight and something I was definelty reminded of today. 

 

I have been in Moldova for the past ten days working with some missionaries there and doing ministry with the youth. God moved through everything and I was able to make connections with girls there despite language barriers and cultural differences that I'm very blessed by. God also did a lot in me. He used me in ways that I never thought I would be used in and has shown me more of the freedom I have in Him. It was a very busy time and I went to bed each day very tired and woke up early each morning still very tired. So, when we packed up everything yesterday evening and began our journey back to Romania, I was ready to get in my bed and sleep. Of course that didn't happen right away. It took about seven maybe eight hours to drive from Moldova to Targoviste. We had to go through the border and all that fun stuff. When we finally made it to our apartment it was around 2:30 A.M. I am really weird about getting in my bed if I feel dirty. So, after eight hours sitting in a van with other people I felt gross. As much as I longed to get in my bed and drift off, I couldn't until I showered. So I did. It's now about three in the morning. I wrap myself in all my blankets trying to warm up and get comfy in my bed! I'm also an extremely light sleeper. Any kind of noise or light will usually wake me up and it takes me awhile to fall back asleep. So around 4/4:30 in the morning I hear my roommate Ashlie talking to someone on Skype and I'm completely confused. Who in the world could she be on skype with? And why would she after being so tired when we made it back? She knows how light of a sleeper I am! Why would she think that's ok?! So I do this little yell/mumble thing telling her I can hear her talking. Her response is, "Adele, go back to sleep." What!? Go back to sleep! Excuse me? My voice got a little louder this time and I tell her that I can't sleep with her talking. She stops talking after that and I don't hear anything again and I finally fall asleep. I slept forever. I didn't really wake up for good until about 2 P.M. today. That's how tired I was. When I finally get out of bed Ashlie is up on her phone and asked how I slept. I say fine and then I remember everything that happened earlier and I ask her who in the world she decided to skype at four in the morning when I was trying to sleep. She asked what I was talking about. Turns out, that whole conversation never happened. At all. Not on her part anyway. So while I was talking and telling Ashlie to be quiet, she never said anything back to me. It was all in my head. I basically had an entire conversation with myself. Talk about knowing when you are exhausted. Having full blown conversations in your head that you believe are real. I can laugh about it now but when it happened I was so upset. What I thought was my reality was really only my perspective. It wasn't real. 

 

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Our perspectives are not always our realities. Our emotions and feelings more often than not determine our perspectives. It's something I'm really having to ask God to help me with every day. To have His perspective. To see things the way He sees them. To not let my feelings determine what I think or what I call truth. I am constantly reminding myself of grace and gentleness and that I need to be that even when I'm frustrated or upset but sometimes I just can't see why people do the things they do or are the way they are. What I have learned today though is how flawed my perspective has been. It needs to be about Jesus always. If I have His perspective, if I see everything and everyone the way He does, I would save myself a lot of grief trying to understand people or situations. There are things I can't understand. There are things I can't change. When I allow my own perception of things to get in the way, I completely miss out on the fact that God is doing things that I can't see. And, when I miss out on that I'm also missing out on the peace that follows knowing that God is at work past what I see and what I feel. That He is greater than those things. I don't want to miss out on His peace and His truth. And, I definitely don't want to believe something to be reality based on my perspective when it's not. 

 

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[ 2 Corinthians 4:18] 

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal."

 

[ Isaiah 55:8]

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, declares The Lord." 

 

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Pray for me, that I would seek out Christ's perspective in every area of my life. That I would have eyes that see the way He does. 

Lighthouses

I really love quotes. A lot. I love looking up different quotes about different things and finding ones that explain everything I am feeling or walking through or ones that are just really eloquent and beautiful. Last night I was looking up quotes about light and I came across one that I haven't stopped thinking about. 

 

"Lighthouses are more helpful than churches." 

-Benjamin Franklin

 

When I read that, I got really sad. I continued reading different quotes then went to bed. Since I've been up today and went to church and then came back home though, I keep thinking about it. And so, I decided to learn a bit more about lighthouses. 

 

A lighthouse is a tower, building, or other type of structure designed to emit light from a system of lamps and lenses and used as an aid to navigation for maritime pilots at sea or on inland waterways. Before lighthouses were created, mariners were instead guided by fires that were built on hilltops. Since raising the fire improved visibility eventually the lighthouse was built. As of today, lighthouses are not really used that much and are more so historic sites rather than actually used for navigation. 

 

Now, I imagine that in Benjamin Franklin's time lighthouses were very very helpful. They saved many lives. And, I can't be so surprised at Franklin's view of the church either. He was a deist, who believed in God by evidence of reason and nature only, and definitely saw many faults in organized religion and the church as well as rejected any kind of supernatural revelation about God. So, for this statement to be true in Benjamin Franklin's eyes is not what made me sad, because I completely understand why He would write that. What made me sad was that I fear us as the church are making this statement to be true today. Myself included. 

 

[Matthew 5:13-16 AMP]

You are the salt of the earth, but if salt has lost its taste (its strength, its quality), how can its saltness be restored? It is not good for anything any longer but to be thrown out and trodden underfoot by men. You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do men light a lamp and put it under a peck measure, but on a lampstand, and it gives light to all in the house. Let your light so shine before men that they may see your moral excellence and your praiseworthy, noble, and good deeds and recognize and honor and praise and glorify your Father Who is in heaven. 

 

God has called us to be light. This is not new information to any of us. We know this. We hear it every Sunday at church. I love the way this passage is phrased in the Message Bible. 

 

[Matthew 5:13-16 MSG]

“Let me tell you why you are here. You’re here to be salt-seasoning that brings out the God-flavors of this earth. If you lose your saltiness, how will people taste godliness? You’ve lost your usefulness and will end up in the garbage. “Here’s another way to put it: You’re here to be light, bringing out the God-colors in the world. God is not a secret to be kept. We’re going public with this, as public as a city on a hill. If I make you light-bearers, you don’t think I’m going to hide you under a bucket, do you? I’m putting you on a light stand. Now that I’ve put you there on a hilltop, on a light stand—shine! Keep open house; be generous with your lives. By opening up to others, you’ll prompt people to open up with God, this generous Father in heaven.

 

We are here to be salt-seasonings. We aren't here to hide who God is and what He has done in our lives. We are called to go public about Christ! I love that it said we need to keep our house open and be generous in our lives by opening up to others about what God has done. That by us doing that we will prompt people to be open with Christ. 

 

Being on the mission field, I have become very aware of how important it is to not only share with others about who God is and what He did for us as well as what He has done in my life personally, but also to live out hope in everything that I do. The way I worship. The way I speak. The way I love. All of it needs to point to Jesus. He is the safe harbour and I am here to show others Him. 

 

We are called to be lighthouses. 

We are called to be the church. 

 

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Update from Romania

 

The team and I are doing very well. We have been here a month and we are definitely learning a lot about missions. We hosted a mission trip team for two weeks and that was definitely a learning experience as well as a great time of ministry. This next week will be a very busy week of preparation as we will be leaving Friday to go to Moldova for 10 days. Please keep us in your prayers for safety as well as growth and for opportunities. 

Raw Worship

I've currently been here in Romania for two weeks and already I see God doing new things. Recently, I've really been taking the time to seek out what The Lord says about worship and what it is suppose to look like. I did a study on worship in the Book of Exodus and it was really interesting but today during church I really began to experience worship in a new way.  

 

I've been praying over myself for almost a year now that I would be a worshipper. I don't mean a worship leader exactly, although if that is where The Lord leads me I will go, but that who I am would be a worshipper. 

 

[John 4:23-24]

"But the hour is coming, and now is when the true worshippers will worship the Father in spirit and truth, for the Father is seeking such to worship Him. God is Spirit, and those who worship Him must worship in spirit and truth." 

 

I want to be a true worshipper who worships my Father in Spirit and in Truth. 

 

One of the many cultural differences that I am facing daily is the language barrier. Everything is in Romanian, and everyone speaks Romanian. So when I go to church, the songs are in Romanian. I already knew this before I got here, but experiencing it is different. I can't sing along. And, when I try, I mispronounce everything and end up missing words and then I don't even know what part of the song we are singing anymore. So, I usually just pray while everyone else sings along to the worship songs. Today though, instead of praying, I began singing my own song to The Lord. And I realized, that was me worshipping in spirit and in truth. I wasn't bound to the lyrics of a song that I knew. I was singing from my heart about who God was and I was able to tell Him how much I love Him from my heart, not from song lyrics.  It wasn't lip service. It was worship. I'm not saying corporate worship to songs we all know and sing along together are bad, but I think that it can definitely become a comfort zone. There is something so completely beautifully about singing your very own song of love and awe to Jesus. It is more beautiful than eloquent words that rhyme and flow.  It is raw, unvarnished, truth. It is worship. 

 

I feel a stirring happening in the body of Christ. Where we step out from platforms and we truly become vulnerable with our Father. Where our worship is sincere and from our hearts. Where music and lyrics don't matter. Where all that truly matters is who Christ is and how deserving He is of all glory, honor, and praise.

 

 The hour is coming.

 Now is when.

 Arise Worshippers. 

A New Thing: Romania

A new thing.

 

[Isaiah 43:19]

"Behold, I will do a new thing, Now it shall spring forth;

Shall you not know it? I will even make a road in the wilderness

And rivers in the desert."

 

At the beginning of this year I felt that the Lord told me this year would be a year where He birthed new things in me. That this would be a year where I not only saw an abundance of the Lord's goodness but also the fruition of His promises. His Word promised me that He would bring forth those new things. That He would birth them. And I believe that He will.

 

[Isaiah 66:9]

"Shall I bring to the [moment of] birth and not cause to bring forth? says the Lord.

 Shall I Who causes to bring forth shut the womb? says your God."


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Tomorrow morning I set out on a new thing.
I will be leaving to spend the next three months in Romania as a foreign missionary associate.
I don't know what this season will look like.
I don't know what God has planned.
I don't even know how prepared I am.
But, I know that God is good.
I know that He has called me.
I know that He is all I need.
And so, I'm going.

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Please pray for me and my team.
Pray for safe travels tomorrow and Monday.
Pray that our hearts are open to what God wants to do in us.
Pray for the people that we will minister to.
Pray for God's spirit to move mightily.
Pray for a revival.
Pray for God's glory to be revealed.

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This is a new thing. It is a good thing. It is a God thing.